Bad For You

“The worst thing we could be
is hurtful to each other”
I remember us saying
these words, like vows,
and even though we tried
to honour them
we eventually lost our way
and burned in the flames
of young passion

You were like a dream
so perfect and unreal,
everyone wanted to be with you,
and when you kissed me
for the first time,
on that cold silent night,
the spark felt so warm
but rather underserved;
I didn’t understand why
you’d chose to be with me,
but you did, so boldly,
and showed me everyday
that you really meant
to stay with me

The random stares
as we strolled the streets,
burned through our souls,
in a sense of condemning us,
the world found our relationship
to be somewhat strange,
arguably, it was unacceptable,
but you never cared,
you held my hand even tighter,
leaning on my shoulder
with a proud smile,
never failing to give me
the assurance that
you would never leave

You were happy,
and that’s all that mattered

I’ve never had control
of any aspect of my life,
always went along with whatever
the universe threw at my path,
and in our sad story,
it was a heavy load of doubt,
doubt about what we had
doubt about my feelings for you,
and unlike my usual days
that I lock away in my head,
this time I opened my mind
to the opinions of the world,
listened to their disgust
and hateful talks,
laced with jealousy;
and the paranoia slowly
killed what we had

You gave me everything
I’d always wished for,
peace of mind
and joy in my heart,
unconditional love
and true friendship;
but I still made it seem
like it wasn’t enough,
I listened to the world,
and burdened it’s
expectations on you

I broke your heart
with my growing mistrust,
I failed you by not
staying true to my promise,
I became a constant pain to you
but still you never left,
you were ready to be consumed
by these flames of young love;
I tried so hard to push you away,
and it angered me that
you chose stay in the storm

The worst thing I could be
was hurtful to you, and I was

My heart didn’t feel
like your home anymore,
so I left, gave up on us,
and I tried to forget you
I really did try,
tried to forget
all the good memories
and get over my feelings for you;
but you’ll be a part of me,
forever inscribed
like a tattoo on my heart,
always haunting my dreams,
always in my waking thoughts

It was like a reminder
that I might never feel again,
if it’s not with you

~ © John Acéx

Love You in Secret

I love you in secret,
because it’s the only way
I know how,
in the shadows,
alone and with no effort
to be someone I’m not,
because love
has changed me before,
made me do things
I thought impossible,
for love has taken me down paths
so blissful and yet trapped
with a trail of remorse

I love you in secret,
breeding my silent obsession
like a baby, so vulnerable
like a priceless artefact, so fragile
I hold on to it, moulding it,
with my crazy imagination,
I love you in secret
by own terms
without any conditions
or wild expectations,
for I know how complicated
love gets after a while,
and I’ve been lost
in that chase before,
trying to be perfect for someone
as I tolerate their flaws

I love you in secret,
’cause of how dreadful rejection is
I won’t make a move
I won’t try to be noticed,
well, anyway, there’s nothing
actually to be noticed;
a cloud of doubt
floats aloud over my mind
the probability that you’d let me down
distresses my soul,
I love you in secret
with this weird satisfaction
of the uncertainty of how
you would feel about me

I love you in secret,
adore you from afar,
I enjoy your good days
when you are full of life
and you grace the world
with your cute smile,
I breakdown on the sad ones
when you suffer in silence
and feel hopeless
as you try to get his attention,
I love you in secret
without trying to win
your heart from him
even though he doesn’t have it;
I feel your desperation,
I wish I could comfort you,
tell you you’re worthy of love
and kiss the sadness
off your beautiful face,
but I love you in secret,
hoping your heart heals soon

I love you in secret,
in my cowardice reality,
because I am afraid
of the pain and struggles
that may came with love,
I know, it’s such a cliché excuse
but I am afraid of falling
into that dark pit of losing
someone I love, openly, again
Yes, there are so many ways
that this could be different
but I just can’t rule out
the possibility of a doomed end,
and so I’d rather love you in secret
with the belief that
I’m avoiding to burn again

I love you in secret,
embracing the torment
of being unseen and loved by you,
accepting the obvious truth
that even if I tried,
I could never be enough for you;
Sometimes I feel like
I’m too damaged to ever
love openly again,
too to toxic for love,
I overthink of everything I’m not
and push away all that could be;
So I love you in secret,
because it’s the only way
I know how

~ © John Acéx

Lost in the Crowd

I am lost in the crowd,
lost my love in the crowd,
trying to find my way
back to her heart

I am lost in the crowd,
amidst all the noises
and buzz of activities,
I try to listen for her heartbeat
because I know it by heart,
a memorable melody
that always leads me back
to my love’s arms,
I am lost in the crowd,
spinning in circles,
overwhelmed with
confusion and anxiety,
I have an ominous feeling
that maybe this is the time
I lose my love forever

I am lost in the crowd,
calling out her name,
I ask random strangers
if they have seen my love,
I mistake other people’s
walks for yours
stopping them for a good look,
I startle them away
as they think I’m a mad man;
honestly, I’m losing my mind
because I don’t know
how I could navigate
this world without
my love by my side;
I cannot feel her essence
in the whistle of the wind
like I always used to,
I have lost our connection

I am lost in the crowd,
my heart is racing
vehemently out of my chest,
I can feel the life being
drained out of me,
I’m having my usual
self induced panic attacks,
but my love is not here
to calm me out of it,
as she always does,
I am desperate
trying to find her smile
in the faces of others,
at least to soothe my soul,
but it’s a futile effort

I am lost in the crowd,
lost my love in the crowd,
trying to find my way
back to her heart

I am lost in the crowd,
everything is so unclear now,
nothing makes sense,
my hope flashes away
because I am in the dark
without my love’s guide,
a cloud of misery
forms in my mind,
there’s nothing left to live for,
my purpose is gone
with my obsession for my love

I am lost in the crowd,
and it’s sad that I always knew
this doomed day would come,
the day that what we shared
wouldn’t be enough
and my love would slip away;
It’s sad that I subconsciously
wanted this to happen,
even though it would break me,
I am lost in the crowd
because I majestically
walked us right into it
and just for a split second,
I closed my eyes and
let go of your hand,
and in that quiet moment
I knew, I had lost you

I am lost in the crowd,
another classic self sabotage
to add to the collection
of my damaged soul,
another intentional fall
to add to the list
of people I’ve caused pain,
a list I never look forward to lengthen
but eventually lose to myself;
I am lost in the crowd
because I have glorified
this high of feeling less alive,
and unworthy of love
in my continuous torments;
Maybe it’s time I stopped.

I am lost in the crowd,
lost my love in the crowd,
trying to find my way
back to her heart

~ © John Acéx

In the dark, with you

Drag me into the dark,
let’s sit in the coldest corner
that could tell the loneliest tales
of those that have fallen before us,
the saddest stories of those
that jumped over the dreaded cliff
and offered their spirits freedom,
let’s sit in the darkest corner,
as I find a spark of hope in your eyes,
a reason to wake up tomorrow,
let’s give our life purpose

Drag me into the dark,
take all the time you need
and teach me your ways
how to be at peace in the torment,
take my hand and guide me
through the silent alleys of pain,
teach me how to embrace
this fear of seeing the ominous end,
do all that you wish to do
to make my find home in the fire,
and purify our souls with the flames

Drag me into the dark,
let me love you as you’d wish
amidst all the struggles,
against your desires to save me
by pushing me away;
there’s no fear, I don’t want to run
never intended to run,
pull me closer, let me in,
for I have my own torments
brewed up amongst the midnight owls
that weep out for my soul

Drag me into the dark,
introduce me to all your demons
that keep you sane through
the madness of this unwelcoming world,
and I’ll reveal mine too
let’s find bliss in those we hold common
and cook up a reading of our destiny;
and when you are ready
let’s compare our secret scars
that they marked us with
in all the times we couldn’t contain them

Drag me into the dark,
let us leave everything behind
be long lost and forgotten,
side by side in our storms,
blinded by the love for the night
busking in the glory of the full moon
cleansing our past, be reborn
let’s wash up in your darkness
and drown in my damage,
creating the perfect tragedy,
in the dark, with you

~ © John Acéx

Sorry, meant take the pain out

Lost inside myself,
trapped in the usual wild storms
of the craziest thoughts
I always brew at the wake of anxiety;
I figure that there are many ways
I could take myself out
sorry, meant take the pain out;
The madness I self induce
to my damaged soul

Yes, I am sick
Sick of this world
Sick from the torment,
the tussles with my demons
when our conversations get out of hand,
It’s probably why I’m always tired,
worn out from these flights,
fights I never seem to win,
just getting up to be put down again

These demons are however
always kind enough
to always give me a way out,
a quick ticket to my freedom
promising a sense of healing
Yes, the many ways that
I could take myself out
sorry, meant take the pain out;
The search for inner peace
The simplest ways to cure this insanity

All around me are walls,
Walls I firmly founded and put up in my soul
to block any connection I’ve left to the world,
Walls I raise so high
whenever anyone tries to get close
or makes an effort at trying to fix me,
Walls that have created for me
a haunted home, but a safe place,
Walls that suppress my cries
and tormented screams for help

I mean, why would I bother anyone
with my shit storm of constant
depression and anxiety
When they too could be fighting
their personal battles,
So I lock myself up
within these walls I built, my mind,
Scheming patiently
on how I could heal myself,
Simple ways I could take myself out
sorry, meant take the pain out

“I’m okay” I’ve always reassured
isn’t that what everyone
would want to hear
isn’t that the society’s norm;
Putting up with fake friendships
and painting a smile every once in a while;
No need to break down on the outside
when I’m already a mess inside,
No one needs to deal with that,
so I keep it to myself,
my pain and suffering is my own
and how I deal with it
shouldn’t be a problem to anyone

“No, not really” I was once cut off
while I sang this well rehearsed
hopeless effort of self consolation,
tried to make me understand
that my suffering will always affect
those that care about me;
I try to reevaluate
sadly, I’m right, I’m all alone in this

Dead inside,
I’ve learnt how to numb the pain
learnt how to embrace my demons
as we journey closer to my grave,
learnt how to always keep to myself
and fake that smile in silence
Dead inside,
I don’t think I can feel anymore,
I am beyond help
and even if there was a chance
for my soul’s redemption,
I don’t think it could work

It’s probably why
I keep chasing the high,
obsessed with the euphoria
the split of momentary happiness
eruption of psychedelic emotions,
when nothing else matters
but that I can fly away,
busk in the glory of this drift
and find a sense of freedom,
No more dark thoughts
No more reason

It’s probably why
I can’t stop chasing the high
because every time,
I catch a glimpse of the pearly gates
hoping I’m welcomed home,
but when I come down
reality clouds up all my hopes,
I’m worse than before
and crave for more cure

Last night I had a weird feeling
as I woke from my frequent nightmares,
I couldn’t feel my arms or legs
I literally couldn’t move nor turn over
drenched in sweat, struggling to breathe,
it was as if something heavy
was laid on my chest,
and I just stared into the darkness
and the emptiness it endowed,
wondering if this is how
I would go out

I wanted to shout for help
but for some crazy reason,
I just laid there silently
focussing on the voices
echoing inside my head,
conversations with my demons,
hoping that this is how
I would go out,
without burdening anyone with my troubles

It got better as the night passed,
I finally could move
and breathe normally,
I don’t know why I felt disappointed;
I guess it was just a reminder
that I had another shot at life,
that I could always come out
of every bad situation

Lost inside myself,
trapped in the usual wild storms
of the craziest thoughts,
I figure there are many ways
I could take myself out,
ways that could get rid of the pain,
but I’m afraid of how much of it
I would leave behind
to the assumed close ones,
when I am gone

~ © John Acéx

High Hours

almasi

So a few weeks ago, you asked if I get high
Well, I lied, for my own insecurities of course
(Yeah, thanks to love)
I said no, afraid to let you know of how wrecked I’ve become

Well, the thought of you has a way of stitching up my heart
The strings, got me tied up to your toxicity
So maybe telling the truth might set me free after all
So hear out my confession, this time, lip to ear

I do get high
One too many times,
So high, my toes can’t get the feeling of the ground
I get high, maybe to raise my spirits, like everyone else
I get high, to pull myself from the ruins you create in me

I like to get high, deep in the night
When life smells obsolete
And the taste of death is much relieving
When tightening the noose around my…

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Before The Song Ends

There are songs I cherish so much,
songs that remind me of you
songs that remind me of us
songs that remind me you’re gone,
songs we listened to together
songs that break my heart
as I repeat them every night,
songs I can’t delete from my playlists
songs I can’t erase from my mind,
every lyric digging deep into
the treasure chest of our memories

Songs I find myself singing
when I’m alone, with a lot of pain
songs I’ve learnt to dance to
when I’m alone, with a lot of pain
songs we’d play on our long drives
songs we’d hum to when we cuddled
on the cold rainy evenings
with a little sip of hot cocoa,
slowly swaying our heads
to the sweet rhythm and melody
of these songs that cemented
our souls into a warm vibe

Songs that spoke to our love,
songs that made us whole
some of which I never liked
until you made me find
a sense of meaning in them,
some of which you never knew
until I introduced you to them,
songs we learned by heart
without any hard effort,
songs we quoted lyric for lyric
during our late night conversations,
at times leaving each other
little sticker notes in our diaries
with the good parts of these songs,
the highlights of the good old days

I’ve been listening to these songs,
singing along to them
reminding myself of you,
trying to figure out in which verse
we fell out of tune,
trying to figure out in which bridge
we lost our beautiful flow,
trying to figure out in which hook
we failed at love
I’ve been listening to these songs
keenly, every day since you left,
hoping that in one outro
you’ll open my door one more time
and make me marvel at your sight

Dance with me to the last few lines
before the song ends,
maybe we’d restart it
as we spark our once turned off flame,
maybe we’d play the next song
as we continue with our journey
holding each other close, in love

I’ve been listening to these songs, my love
and as I stare out the window
on this cold rainy evening, all lonely
I hope you’re listening to them too,
praying that the beautiful story
we once created will resume some day
without any interruptions,
hope that day will dawn soon

~ © John Acéx

Somebody Else

There are parts of me
buried and hidden deep into
my heart’s darkest abyss,
Parts of me that carry
such immense pain and shame,
Parts of me that only
come out in the wake of
the midnight to haunt my dreams
till morning’s help arises

There are parts of me
I’ve lied to myself to have forgotten
at an effort of being happy,
but no love, I don’t deserve happiness,
not even the faked kind;
Parts of me that have made me
deceive myself that I am okay,
that I am normal

There are parts of me
I’ve held in my shaking hands
with a firm bloody grip,
with fear of being revealed,
Parts of me that would
break all my close circles
and push me to the edge,
wishing not to see tomorrow,
Parts of me that I’ve tried to hold in
with self love, acceptance, remorse
Parts of me I’ve tried to cleanse
by being simply good,
but all to futility, it’s hard to forget

There are parts of me
I’ve concealed from you, my love,
Parts of me that would push you away,
make you take back your love,
There are parts of me
that are shaped like a nightmare
that repeats itself every night into reality,
and I’m afraid they’ll scare you away,
Parts of me that would deny me love
and cocoon my soul in loneliness,
Parts of me that would torment you, my love

There are parts of me
that would build a perfect description
of the real version of me,
Parts of me that would depict
that what I show to the world’s eyes
is merely a deception to fit in;
I am not who you think I am,
what you’ve heard people say
might not be the actual picture
of my true self, or maybe it is;
There are parts of me
that if I’d reveal in the light of day,
would tear your heart apart,
Parts of me that would
break you down and weep
for my utterly disgusting self

I am somebody else,
trying to fit squarely into your heart
I am somebody else,
a stranger, who’s come into your life
and maybe ruined it in the process,
I am somebody else
with these wretched parts
meant to burn for eternity

There are parts of me
talking to you right now,
asking you to walk away from me,
flee from this circus of agony
that’s about to go into season,
There are parts of me
working hard to erupt
into a prime revelation,
Parts of me wishing you’d stay
but I am somebody else,
afraid to cause you any more pain

~ © John Acéx

Break My Heart, Again

The days are dark
The nights are sad,
When I think of a happier time,
A time that we always
woke up next to each other
Comes to mind,
A time nothing else mattered
but just our wild spirits
Comes to mind,
A time that we gave our hearts
to each other with a promise
of nothing but adoration
Comes to mind

We hoped to share a love
So lovely, a love for eternity,
Poisoned my heart
with expectations,
and how naive of me
to believe it was all true,
How foolish of me
to never see your doubts
whenever we talked of our future,
How careless of me
to give my love to someone
who wasn’t kind enough
to let me down slowly

When I think of you
I just wanna scream out
at the rooftops,
under the serenity of the night,
of how you broke my heart
of how you did it so effortlessly,
like you’d premeditated it,
When I think of you
I wanna crucify myself
on a cross of the damned
because I keep holding on to
the hope of your return

How do I move on from you?
How do I forget all we shared?
How do I find another like you?
How do I find love, again?

The days are dark
The nights are sad,
After all, the damage is done
you are forever gone,
but my heart you’ll still own;
And if you ever see it fit
you can always come back
and break it again

~ © John Acéx

Home, at last

Trying to find home
Trying to find home
A chase for a sense of care,
security, warmth, love
A need for peace,
humming my heart
to stillness, peace,
Peace with my spirit,
peace with my soul

Trying to find home
Trying to find me
To save my soul, long lost
In your memontary bliss,
Games we play but
fight hard not to win,
We never make it across the river,
Always losing our way,
or rather the courage of
Facing the foggy other side,
Fighting against our truth

Trying to find home
Trying to find you
Your care, sense of security,
warmth and love,
Trying to find home
Rediscovering my spirit
Finding my way to your heart

Maybe it’s in the way you stare
awakardly in every other eye contact,
How you partially keep
Your eyelids open
or in your slow blink,
Maybe it’s in the way they flood up
when you tear
because of some good news
you received, or maybe bad,
Maybe it’s in your faint pluse
because it broke your heart,
Maybe it’s in the beauty
of your heart, it’s warmth and love

Home, at last
Home, with you;
Maybe it’s in the way you stare

~ © John Acéx

Domino Effect

I knew I’d hit rock bottom
when I had to feed off pain to survive

Sadly, it was all your pain
and you made it crystal that
I could never understand the little of it,
but you still never held back the dreadful wishes
that one day I be in a similar situation

Oh well, love, believe my word
when I tell you that I have bathed
in the dark storm of your pain,
even though I’ve been the source of it

I find it almost impossible to elaborate,
how strangely this could be,
That I could be so hurtful to you
but drown in guilt and remorse regardless,
It was like I enjoyed seeing you hurt
but still felt awful that you were

Some have typically called this
a high level of toxicity,
You even highlighted it as
one your reasons of leaving me
during one of our several break-ups,
and yes love, I agree with you,
I agree with all who have had the displeasure
of witnessing our painful tale unfold,
I was toxic, we’re toxic to each other

Like desperate children bound to a broken family
our souls would however find their way back to each other
back to the pain, back to this toxicity;
and with scars of broken hearts,
and with more terrifying scares of our history,
and with zero lessons learnt,
we always tried to make it right, again

We would however fail, again
I’d still find a way to cause you pain
even when I never intended to,
with endless fights and disagreements,
we’d still hold each other in our darkest hour,
warmly nursing each others wounds
with passionate kisses and caresses;
walking on eggshells of apologies
and a promise of a better tomorrow

I guess we kinda normalized this insanity,
and it all began with our first fall,
the first time I hurt you
the first time we argued out loud
calling each other names
the first time we apologized to each other
the first time we chose not to let go

I guess it all began
the first time we sparked this cycle of pain
a chain reaction of the same old mistakes
and pointless, remorseful mercies,
I guess it all began, like a domino effect
a fall after another, we failed

We trained our hearts to glorify this pain
by always running back to each other,
we trained our hearts to act alive
in a tormented, burning house,
we trained our hearts to find home
in a domino effect of pain

~ © John Acéx

Confessions

taken a hobby
in collecting
your pictures

every single one
more beautiful
and glorious

i love to stare
at all of them
most of the time

they remain a
reminder of how
much i adore you

but more of
a pain of why
you aren’t mine

tried so hard
not to but i’ve
fallen for you

fear of rejection
has made me keep it
a secret this long

i however think
that it’s time
i open up to you

whatever this
revelation makes
you decide, it’s okay

maybe you’ll
find it a betrayal
of our friendship

forgive me for
the inconvenience
and messing up

maybe you need
time to navigate
and make a choice

i’ll be here
patiently waiting
for your response

maybe you think
it’s a bad idea and
don’t feel the same

i’ll promise to
respect your choice
and suck it up

but please do
let me down slowly,
i’m so in love with you

/listen/

~ © John Acéx