Sorry, meant take the pain out

Lost inside myself,
trapped in the usual wild storms
of the craziest thoughts
I always brew at the wake of anxiety;
I figure that there are many ways
I could take myself out
sorry, meant take the pain out;
The madness I self induce
to my damaged soul

Yes, I am sick
Sick of this world
Sick from the torment,
the tussles with my demons
when our conversations get out of hand,
It’s probably why I’m always tired,
worn out from these flights,
fights I never seem to win,
just getting up to be put down again

These demons are however
always kind enough
to always give me a way out,
a quick ticket to my freedom
promising a sense of healing
Yes, the many ways that
I could take myself out
sorry, meant take the pain out;
The search for inner peace
The simplest ways to cure this insanity

All around me are walls,
Walls I firmly founded and put up in my soul
to block any connection I’ve left to the world,
Walls I raise so high
whenever anyone tries to get close
or makes an effort at trying to fix me,
Walls that have created for me
a haunted home, but a safe place,
Walls that suppress my cries
and tormented screams for help

I mean, why would I bother anyone
with my shit storm of constant
depression and anxiety
When they too could be fighting
their personal battles,
So I lock myself up
within these walls I built, my mind,
Scheming patiently
on how I could heal myself,
Simple ways I could take myself out
sorry, meant take the pain out

“I’m okay” I’ve always reassured
isn’t that what everyone
would want to hear
isn’t that the society’s norm;
Putting up with fake friendships
and painting a smile every once in a while;
No need to break down on the outside
when I’m already a mess inside,
No one needs to deal with that,
so I keep it to myself,
my pain and suffering is my own
and how I deal with it
shouldn’t be a problem to anyone

“No, not really” I was once cut off
while I sang this well rehearsed
hopeless effort of self consolation,
tried to make me understand
that my suffering will always affect
those that care about me;
I try to reevaluate
sadly, I’m right, I’m all alone in this

Dead inside,
I’ve learnt how to numb the pain
learnt how to embrace my demons
as we journey closer to my grave,
learnt how to always keep to myself
and fake that smile in silence
Dead inside,
I don’t think I can feel anymore,
I am beyond help
and even if there was a chance
for my soul’s redemption,
I don’t think it could work

It’s probably why
I keep chasing the high,
obsessed with the euphoria
the split of momentary happiness
eruption of psychedelic emotions,
when nothing else matters
but that I can fly away,
busk in the glory of this drift
and find a sense of freedom,
No more dark thoughts
No more reason

It’s probably why
I can’t stop chasing the high
because every time,
I catch a glimpse of the pearly gates
hoping I’m welcomed home,
but when I come down
reality clouds up all my hopes,
I’m worse than before
and crave for more cure

Last night I had a weird feeling
as I woke from my frequent nightmares,
I couldn’t feel my arms or legs
I literally couldn’t move nor turn over
drenched in sweat, struggling to breathe,
it was as if something heavy
was laid on my chest,
and I just stared into the darkness
and the emptiness it endowed,
wondering if this is how
I would go out

I wanted to shout for help
but for some crazy reason,
I just laid there silently
focussing on the voices
echoing inside my head,
conversations with my demons,
hoping that this is how
I would go out,
without burdening anyone with my troubles

It got better as the night passed,
I finally could move
and breathe normally,
I don’t know why I felt disappointed;
I guess it was just a reminder
that I had another shot at life,
that I could always come out
of every bad situation

Lost inside myself,
trapped in the usual wild storms
of the craziest thoughts,
I figure there are many ways
I could take myself out,
ways that could get rid of the pain,
but I’m afraid of how much of it
I would leave behind
to the assumed close ones,
when I am gone

~ © John Acéx

27 Comments

  1. I just read this😩😩
    I don’t know why I took so long tho’
    This is incredible 😭 and heartfelt 😭

    You are an amazing writer. You brought all the pain, tears the anxiety out and I was like “damnn’

    Liked by 3 people

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