Love You in Secret

I love you in secret,
because it’s the only way
I know how,
in the shadows,
alone and with no effort
to be someone I’m not,
because love
has changed me before,
made me do things
I thought impossible,
for love has taken me down paths
so blissful and yet trapped
with a trail of remorse

I love you in secret,
breeding my silent obsession
like a baby, so vulnerable
like a priceless artefact, so fragile
I hold on to it, moulding it,
with my crazy imagination,
I love you in secret
by own terms
without any conditions
or wild expectations,
for I know how complicated
love gets after a while,
and I’ve been lost
in that chase before,
trying to be perfect for someone
as I tolerate their flaws

I love you in secret,
’cause of how dreadful rejection is
I won’t make a move
I won’t try to be noticed,
well, anyway, there’s nothing
actually to be noticed;
a cloud of doubt
floats aloud over my mind
the probability that you’d let me down
distresses my soul,
I love you in secret
with this weird satisfaction
of the uncertainty of how
you would feel about me

I love you in secret,
adore you from afar,
I enjoy your good days
when you are full of life
and you grace the world
with your cute smile,
I breakdown on the sad ones
when you suffer in silence
and feel hopeless
as you try to get his attention,
I love you in secret
without trying to win
your heart from him
even though he doesn’t have it;
I feel your desperation,
I wish I could comfort you,
tell you you’re worthy of love
and kiss the sadness
off your beautiful face,
but I love you in secret,
hoping your heart heals soon

I love you in secret,
in my cowardice reality,
because I am afraid
of the pain and struggles
that may came with love,
I know, it’s such a cliché excuse
but I am afraid of falling
into that dark pit of losing
someone I love, openly, again
Yes, there are so many ways
that this could be different
but I just can’t rule out
the possibility of a doomed end,
and so I’d rather love you in secret
with the belief that
I’m avoiding to burn again

I love you in secret,
embracing the torment
of being unseen and loved by you,
accepting the obvious truth
that even if I tried,
I could never be enough for you;
Sometimes I feel like
I’m too damaged to ever
love openly again,
too to toxic for love,
I overthink of everything I’m not
and push away all that could be;
So I love you in secret,
because it’s the only way
I know how

~ © John Acéx

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