Domino Effect

I knew I’d hit rock bottom
when I had to feed off pain to survive

Sadly, it was all your pain
and you made it crystal that
I could never understand the little of it,
but you still never held back the dreadful wishes
that one day I be in a similar situation

Oh well, love, believe my word
when I tell you that I have bathed
in the dark storm of your pain,
even though I’ve been the source of it

I find it almost impossible to elaborate,
how strangely this could be,
That I could be so hurtful to you
but drown in guilt and remorse regardless,
It was like I enjoyed seeing you hurt
but still felt awful that you were

Some have typically called this
a high level of toxicity,
You even highlighted it as
one your reasons of leaving me
during one of our several break-ups,
and yes love, I agree with you,
I agree with all who have had the displeasure
of witnessing our painful tale unfold,
I was toxic, we’re toxic to each other

Like desperate children bound to a broken family
our souls would however find their way back to each other
back to the pain, back to this toxicity;
and with scars of broken hearts,
and with more terrifying scares of our history,
and with zero lessons learnt,
we always tried to make it right, again

We would however fail, again
I’d still find a way to cause you pain
even when I never intended to,
with endless fights and disagreements,
we’d still hold each other in our darkest hour,
warmly nursing each others wounds
with passionate kisses and caresses;
walking on eggshells of apologies
and a promise of a better tomorrow

I guess we kinda normalized this insanity,
and it all began with our first fall,
the first time I hurt you
the first time we argued out loud
calling each other names
the first time we apologized to each other
the first time we chose not to let go

I guess it all began
the first time we sparked this cycle of pain
a chain reaction of the same old mistakes
and pointless, remorseful mercies,
I guess it all began, like a domino effect
a fall after another, we failed

We trained our hearts to glorify this pain
by always running back to each other,
we trained our hearts to act alive
in a tormented, burning house,
we trained our hearts to find home
in a domino effect of pain

~ © John Acéx

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