Death Medley

I am afraid
I can feel the darkness creeping in
Sending chills down my spine
and I’m cornered with a dread divine
Hoping that in you a solution I’ll find

I am afraid of death
Yes, dying and the whole idea
of being gone forever.
On many occasions I coffee my time
All through the night
Engaging in nothing of chief importance
but just to control the fear
that if I lay down to sleep
I may not rise to see the sun’s rays again.
Sometimes I give in to the sleep
though I ensure I set at least two hours
intervaled alarms to keep me awake
To keep myself alive
until I adore yet another dawn.

I am afraid of death
Of the fact that I’ll leave
Those in my circle broken and sad
Of the enemies I might have made
who’ll cheat to mourn
but take pride in my departing.
I am afraid
That eventually I’ll be forgotten
and simply just be a fragment
of a long lost memory

I am afraid of love
I am afraid of opening my heart
to another soul and let them be a part of me
My thoughts are racing every minute
vividly reminding me
that each love story I played as character
Always paced along the same edge
of uncertainty of the future
and eventual tripping and falling
Drowning in the lake of remorse
I’ve had a bad history
in every attempt I made at falling in love,
None of them didn’t inscribe a scar
Each leaving me more damaged than before.
The more my heart gets broken
the more I feel my soul being lost
in the tormenting darkness
Haunted by all the failed expectations
and unfulfilled promises

I am afraid of love,
I am afraid that I’m getting close to you
at a fast elevating rate,
I am afraid that I might actually
be falling in love with you.
I don’t want to lose you
I don’t want to let go of what we have
but I fear that this might just be the
same recurring nightmare of self-pain.

I pray for a long content life
and dream of a true genuine love,
but I am clouded with fear
because of the anxiety of the future
and demons of my past that are bound
to catch up with me one day
and set me captive when I least expect it.

I hope the love we share
won’t die but write our eternity instead
I hope we won’t face death
before we enjoy the love we’re scripting

~ © John Acéx

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Distance

Nothing as crazy as my desperation as I struggle with our separation
Apologies for the confusion, nah, it ain’t no infatuation
It’s just I lost my way in all this depression with blurred vision
For you ain’t here no more to compass my direction
Now I’m in a beat down situation with no inspiration
Dropping all my squads participation cause I lorn only for you
Our crazy come through and chill and nights
Nothing can heal me of this sadness
Not even my daily meditation with a struggle for elevation
Out here in the ocean mapping out my way back to you
Rolled into mission, haven’t figured it out yet, so please holla your location

It’s never a goodbye, I do hope I’ll get to see you by
Staying up high tryn’a dig the reason why
Left me on read with my apologies, but nigga don’t cry
I never end these nights alive so I guess maybe I wasn’t so fly
Sucking it up knowing I didn’t try had enough
Took you for granted thinking it was all a bluff
Burning with remorse of the chances I wasted with you
Lost my mood feeling kinda odd
And my signal to you is running outta tune
I stare at the moon and pray to God that i get to see you soon
Never felt the type of joy you gave, got me feeling kinda way
Elevated cause we vibed in a million addictive ways
You my drug, I was a fien
Now my ecstasy is gone and I got no way to explain
Feeling down drowned in this pain
I miss our glory days when we were the talk on the streets
Getting caught up in all the webs you’d spin
But now all my effort to reach you is in vain
Guess I buy the wrong tickets or I’ve always just been late missing the train
Now my homies tryn’a convince you ain’t worth the strain
But fuck that, fuck them, they don’t know you as I do
Nor all the ups and downs we’ve been through
I don’t know when Im’a see you again
Feeling like I just been slain blowin in anguish I need outlet to drain
Need to wash away all this torture and so I hope it will rain

~ © John Acéx

I’ll wait for You

I am looking for the one
I’ve been looking for the one
One who’ll understand me
and accept the real me
One who won’t need me to change
Who’ll take the original me
without any necessary edits
That will adore my glow
and still appreciate my flaw

I am looking for the one
Who will understand my pain
Join me in my darkest corner
and try lighting up my world
Who will hold my hand
Through all the struggles
and join me in my battles
One who will cloud my lonely
and warm me up with company
That will cuff up our wrists
and stay with me in the fire
One who’ll heal my wounds
and scar her own body l
By taking the punches for me

I am looking for the one
One who’ll die to save me
Ready to sacrifice themselves
So I may see another tomorrow
More concerned of a smile on my visage
Even if it’s crooked
Than see a tear roll down my cheeks
One who’ll break the rules
just to be by my side
One who’ll deny all rumours spread
and preach the truth about me
One who’ll defy all odds
Break all chains and stumbles
Just to be mine
Who’ll stay even when it gets hard

I am looking for the one
One who’ll wait for me when I leave
That’ll never lose the patience
and still see the essence in loyalty
One who’ll run to the desert
and find me in whatever dust storm
One who’ll recognize me in the dark
Just by the touch of my hand
or rather by my rate of breathing
Who’ll master the pace of my footsteps
and recognize them at any time
Even without the simple sound of my voice

I am looking for the one
One who’ll understand my stories
Without any need of elaboration
Who will know all my poems by heart
And live every reality in my fantasy
That will value my love for the art
and make every piece theirs
I am looking for the one
Who’ll read this wherever they are
and quickly fathom it’s about them
One who’ll appreciate it as it is
and not conclude any sense of selfishness
As many will definitely do
One that’ll be ready to be mine
To love, to hold and to cherish
I’ve been looking for you
I’ll wait for you

~ John Acéx

Sorry

Can’t change the past
All the wrongs I did
Every disappointment
The lies I created
and unfulfilled promises

Baby, I let you down
Didn’t deserve all that
The sleepless nights
and endless cries
Wasn’t there for you

I never deserved you
Didn’t appreciate you
Took your love for granted
and you left me wasted
Chocking with remorse

I’m ashamed of facing you
I got no more excuses
To back up my faults
But don’t leave like this
Forgive me, I am sorry!

~ © John Acéx

Redemption

The world’s full of pain
and clouded by darkness
It’s filled with deceit,
In deep need of cleansing
and sanctification;
And one way or another
We all gotta survive

When it’ll be unbearable
Baby, run to me in the night
When no one else will see you
When it’s quiet and serene
As a lamb to its shepherd,
Let the moonlight lead you
Right into my arms
Away from the world’s woes

Let me be your saviour
Open up to me my love
And give me all of you
Confess all your shame to me
And show me all your flaws
What makes you unique,
Flickering in this darkness

Let me show you the truth
and guide you to the light,
Walk through the fire with me
Cause all we got is each other
Hold on to me and don’t let go
And don’t dare turn back baby
The world doesn’t care as I do

Let’s find this love we crave
Let’s find redemption!

~ © John Acéx

Thank You (“I love you” be cliché)

everyday i’m afraid,
to tell you “i love you”
’cause i have the feeling
you won’t say it back;
i’ll definitely be crushed
by your honesty,
and it’s better i don’t know
whether you do or don’t
actually love me too

the three words are cliché,
so I tell you “Thank you”
instead,
i’m grateful for your patience
with my futile efforts,
and for your kindness
trying not to break my heart,
even when you knew
this wasn’t meant to be,

or maybe i’m just not your type
maybe i’m not good enough
maybe you heard shit about me
maybe you’re right;
but i’m still grateful
for every moment shared
for every memory created
it was damn worth it;

“Thank you”

~ © John Acéx

Feels like Deja Vu

Everytime I’m around you
It feels like deja vu
’cause there’s nothing else we do

Gazing outside my window
She’s walking alone in the cold
Moonlight shining upon her
She seems disturbed
Something’s chewing up her mind
As it always is
She sees me by the window
With a shady smile, she waves
I grab my jacket in a rush
Hoping maybe this time it’ll be different

Coming close to her
I see her sobbing, deep in pain
She tries to hold it back
but it’s just too overwhelming
I wanna reach out to you
but some devil holds me to the spot
The devil I created, fear.
Her gorgeous blonde hair covers her face
In an effort to conceal her hurt
She wipes away her tears
and smiles again, but it’s not okay
I’m afraid of what to say
I don’t know what to do
I just stand there, as I always do.

The silence is awkward
it feels like eternity.
Beside her is a free bench
dripping off drops of the rain
Each drop with a beautiful ripple
It’s like bursting and letting go
We stare at the wet bench
’cause we’re afraid of facing the truth.

Concealing an obvious truth
It’s a tough personal battle
It is kinda funny you know
’cause we both know each other’s truth
‘I have a mad crush on you’
Rings in my head but can’t come out
Ever since she moved to our block
Was probably six or five
Just a kid with a mad crush
and I hoped for our youth
‘Youth promises us immorality
but it doesn’t have the means
to hold it’s end of the bargain’
Rudy Francisco was right!

She is a troubled soul
Chocking and drowning in pain
Struggling to live each day
Raised by a single abusive father
A drunkard she picks off the trenches
on a daily evening routine.
She hates her father
but cares enough to care, for him
The daily fights they have
Half the block hears their wars
Though not physical, totally heart breaking
And through her father
She dislikes the male human species
It’s the reason why we can’t be together
Yet… hopefully

We sit on the bench
hands deep in our warm pockets
Staring at the old beggar across the street
He’s tryn’a collect a few coins
Many pass by and ignore his pleas
Every man for himself, God for us all
Goes their mantra in pretence
Many are judging him
That he’s tryn’a reap where he didn’t sow
We’re all troubled souls.

‘How’s your day been’, I could say
but the silence is so hard to break
So we just sit there
As we always do on such nights
We ain’t that close, not even friends
And we’re definitely not enemies too
We are just strangers
Who find everything good and perfect
in each other’s existence

You wanna share your troubles with me
You wanna find peace in me
I’m right here but you just can’t
You don’t want to get close
’cause it would make an impression
Suggestive to push my hopes high
I wanna tell you I’m here for you
That I’m ready to listen and help
but I have to play pretend
It would be thought as meddling
I’m not that certain
Maybe it’s what you want me to do

I wanna tell you how beautiful you are
The way your hair whips back in the wind
Cute smile and angelic glow of your eyes.
I’m always assumed to be ‘too chilled’
Which is actually true
I find peace in my loneliness
but I wanna open up to you
I wanna say I love you
Three words, just three words
but yet so hard to release them.
I want to be your shoulder to lean on
To comfort in times like this
Our silence is still awkward
Under the dim glow of the street light;
Two troubled souls.

Everytime I’m around you
It feels like deja vu
’cause there’s nothing else we do!

~ © John Acéx