Death Medley

I am afraid
I can feel the darkness creeping in
Sending chills down my spine
and I’m cornered with a dread divine
Hoping that in you a solution I’ll find

I am afraid of death
Yes, dying and the whole idea
of being gone forever.
On many occasions I coffee my time
All through the night
Engaging in nothing of chief importance
but just to control the fear
that if I lay down to sleep
I may not rise to see the sun’s rays again.
Sometimes I give in to the sleep
though I ensure I set at least two hours
intervaled alarms to keep me awake
To keep myself alive
until I adore yet another dawn.

I am afraid of death
Of the fact that I’ll leave
Those in my circle broken and sad
Of the enemies I might have made
who’ll cheat to mourn
but take pride in my departing.
I am afraid
That eventually I’ll be forgotten
and simply just be a fragment
of a long lost memory

I am afraid of love
I am afraid of opening my heart
to another soul and let them be a part of me
My thoughts are racing every minute
vividly reminding me
that each love story I played as character
Always paced along the same edge
of uncertainty of the future
and eventual tripping and falling
Drowning in the lake of remorse
I’ve had a bad history
in every attempt I made at falling in love,
None of them didn’t inscribe a scar
Each leaving me more damaged than before.
The more my heart gets broken
the more I feel my soul being lost
in the tormenting darkness
Haunted by all the failed expectations
and unfulfilled promises

I am afraid of love,
I am afraid that I’m getting close to you
at a fast elevating rate,
I am afraid that I might actually
be falling in love with you.
I don’t want to lose you
I don’t want to let go of what we have
but I fear that this might just be the
same recurring nightmare of self-pain.

I pray for a long content life
and dream of a true genuine love,
but I am clouded with fear
because of the anxiety of the future
and demons of my past that are bound
to catch up with me one day
and set me captive when I least expect it.

I hope the love we share
won’t die but write our eternity instead
I hope we won’t face death
before we enjoy the love we’re scripting

~ © John Acéx

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Distance

Nothing as crazy as my desperation as I struggle with our separation
Apologies for the confusion, nah, it ain’t no infatuation
It’s just I lost my way in all this depression with blurred vision
For you ain’t here no more to compass my direction
Now I’m in a beat down situation with no inspiration
Dropping all my squads participation cause I lorn only for you
Our crazy come through and chill and nights
Nothing can heal me of this sadness
Not even my daily meditation with a struggle for elevation
Out here in the ocean mapping out my way back to you
Rolled into mission, haven’t figured it out yet, so please holla your location

It’s never a goodbye, I do hope I’ll get to see you by
Staying up high tryn’a dig the reason why
Left me on read with my apologies, but nigga don’t cry
I never end these nights alive so I guess maybe I wasn’t so fly
Sucking it up knowing I didn’t try had enough
Took you for granted thinking it was all a bluff
Burning with remorse of the chances I wasted with you
Lost my mood feeling kinda odd
And my signal to you is running outta tune
I stare at the moon and pray to God that i get to see you soon
Never felt the type of joy you gave, got me feeling kinda way
Elevated cause we vibed in a million addictive ways
You my drug, I was a fien
Now my ecstasy is gone and I got no way to explain
Feeling down drowned in this pain
I miss our glory days when we were the talk on the streets
Getting caught up in all the webs you’d spin
But now all my effort to reach you is in vain
Guess I buy the wrong tickets or I’ve always just been late missing the train
Now my homies tryn’a convince you ain’t worth the strain
But fuck that, fuck them, they don’t know you as I do
Nor all the ups and downs we’ve been through
I don’t know when Im’a see you again
Feeling like I just been slain blowin in anguish I need outlet to drain
Need to wash away all this torture and so I hope it will rain

~ © John Acéx

I’ll wait for You

I am looking for the one
I’ve been looking for the one
One who’ll understand me
and accept the real me
One who won’t need me to change
Who’ll take the original me
without any necessary edits
That will adore my glow
and still appreciate my flaw

I am looking for the one
Who will understand my pain
Join me in my darkest corner
and try lighting up my world
Who will hold my hand
Through all the struggles
and join me in my battles
One who will cloud my lonely
and warm me up with company
That will cuff up our wrists
and stay with me in the fire
One who’ll heal my wounds
and scar her own body l
By taking the punches for me

I am looking for the one
One who’ll die to save me
Ready to sacrifice themselves
So I may see another tomorrow
More concerned of a smile on my visage
Even if it’s crooked
Than see a tear roll down my cheeks
One who’ll break the rules
just to be by my side
One who’ll deny all rumours spread
and preach the truth about me
One who’ll defy all odds
Break all chains and stumbles
Just to be mine
Who’ll stay even when it gets hard

I am looking for the one
One who’ll wait for me when I leave
That’ll never lose the patience
and still see the essence in loyalty
One who’ll run to the desert
and find me in whatever dust storm
One who’ll recognize me in the dark
Just by the touch of my hand
or rather by my rate of breathing
Who’ll master the pace of my footsteps
and recognize them at any time
Even without the simple sound of my voice

I am looking for the one
One who’ll understand my stories
Without any need of elaboration
Who will know all my poems by heart
And live every reality in my fantasy
That will value my love for the art
and make every piece theirs
I am looking for the one
Who’ll read this wherever they are
and quickly fathom it’s about them
One who’ll appreciate it as it is
and not conclude any sense of selfishness
As many will definitely do
One that’ll be ready to be mine
To love, to hold and to cherish
I’ve been looking for you
I’ll wait for you

~ John Acéx

Sorry

Can’t change the past
All the wrongs I did
Every disappointment
The lies I created
and unfulfilled promises

Baby, I let you down
Didn’t deserve all that
The sleepless nights
and endless cries
Wasn’t there for you

I never deserved you
Didn’t appreciate you
Took your love for granted
and you left me wasted
Chocking with remorse

I’m ashamed of facing you
I got no more excuses
To back up my faults
But don’t leave like this
Forgive me, I am sorry!

~ © John Acéx

Scars

I got these scars from loving you
I got these scars from fighting for you
every single day was a battle
Struggling hard to make you mine
But I guess I wasn’t alone in the race
If only I had known earlier
Maybe I’d be smart enough to let you go
Maybe I wouldn’t have these scars

I got these scars from waiting for you
Waiting for some love that never was
And you fooled me all the same
In ways only you know best
I allowed myself to be deceived
I fell right into your snares
Every time I tried to get near
Now I’m hurting out of these scars

I got these scars from holding onto you
with one hand, holding onto the cliff
Slipping inch by inch, afraid of falling
Tearing parts of me just to have you
Heart racing out of fear
But still beating slower by the second
Hands bleeding, all these scars for you
But you never came to my rescue
My saviour never came, love never came

I got these scars from believing you
You found me when I was lost, healed me
You took me so high in love
And lost me in the clouds
I drowned in your craziness every day
You were my heaven, my safe place
My light in the darkest of nights
I was good to you
But it was all some game to you
You never really loved me
And so I fell, down to the ground, fast, hard
Crushed all of me, my soul, my heart
All these scars out of love

I got these scars from trusting you
Never been hurt the way you hurt me
How could something so special as love
Give me all these scars, all this pain
I was advised to give love a chance
But love, in it’s most typical way
Got me all broken and lost… again
As I try to heal these scars
I know I’ll never be the same

Maybe I’ve had just enough of love!
Maybe my heart’s been broken just enough
Maybe I’ve had just enough of these scars!

~ © John Acéx

Thank You (“I love you” be cliché)

everyday i’m afraid,
to tell you “i love you”
’cause i have the feeling
you won’t say it back;
i’ll definitely be crushed
by your honesty,
and it’s better i don’t know
whether you do or don’t
actually love me too

the three words are cliché,
so I tell you “Thank you”
instead,
i’m grateful for your patience
with my futile efforts,
and for your kindness
trying not to break my heart,
even when you knew
this wasn’t meant to be,

or maybe i’m just not your type
maybe i’m not good enough
maybe you heard shit about me
maybe you’re right;
but i’m still grateful
for every moment shared
for every memory created
it was damn worth it;

“Thank you”

~ © John Acéx

Cupid’s target practice

I tattooed your name on my wrist
with a beautiful red rose underneath!

I was crazy about you
Wanted to show you how much I loved you
Intended to prove my trust to you
I recall almost punching the artist
When he streamed questions of my certainty,
He should’ve known that this one
Was just an evidence on skin to the world
But that I already had your name
Tattooed deep in my heart.
I visioned a big future with you
Being close to you forever
Find extreme life adventure with you
Grow old together, in deep love
I couldn’t picture myself without you
Had faith that we were meant to be,
I tattooed your name on my wrist
With a beautiful red rose underneath!

And you were with me at the parlour
Right by my side, with your cute smile
You held my hand, firm, warm
It blocked off all the needle pain.
I recall asking you to do it too
Then maybe later we could take pics of ’em
And post ’em all over our social networks
As what lovers do
But you said an assertive no!
That your feared the needle, the pain
And silly me respected your decision
I let it slide without thinking twice about it
I was blinded by my love to you
But I was smart enough to remember
That I’d been so close to you
Every night for the past few months
To actually see the dark heart tatt on your thigh
And it’s twin at the back of your neck
Yeah, I’d explored your body well
But I let it slide without thinking twice about it.

I tattooed your name on my wrist
with a beautiful red rose underneath!
Because I loved you
And I believed you loved me too;
Tonight I’m all alone in the shower
Remorseful,
The feeling is so weird
The space seems bigger than usual
Had adapted to being here with you
The hot jets now strike me alone
With a bleeding heart and torn apart soul
Because you actually left me
Broke every promise you made
Crushed every dream and plan we had.
As the streams flow down my body
Your name is permanent on my wrist
It cannot be washed away
Guessing it will be a permanent reminder
That you didn’t actually love me
It was all another high for you
And you sobered up.
‘I don’t blame you for this
Cupid is fucking irresponsible
For playing target practice on me
Seems I’m the only practical joke here

~ © John Acéx