Lord, do I deserve this Pain?

Pain
I haven’t witnsesed or experienced
much or enough of it in my life
but I have certainly had a fair share of my own
The torture, torment and desperation
you go through battling with this pain
The emotional breakdown, every tear, every cry

It’s crazy that it all comes with lessons
and some times enlightenment
that helps us as we soldier on with life
I know my pain does that
and it will continue to do so


Pain
Reminds you that you’re human
That even as the superior creation
in this tormenting world as it could be,
You remain vulnerable to being hurt
broken hearted, and indeed feeling pain
It makes you aware that you ain’t special,
not any greater than anyone else
That no form of advantages and benefits
that you may have tagged on you
could shield you from pain;

My therapist told me once that
I have a hard time dealing with my pain
because I always think it’s all about me,
That I’m unconscious of others
who also have their own struggles
causing them pain they need to deal with;
That hit me hard as I stumbled on my pride


Pain
Shows you the importance and value of life,
of being happy most of the time
faithfully counting your blessings
and appreciating the love of family and friends
It reminds you of all the moments
you took these aspects of life for granted
The things that actually do matter

Though it also helps you see the snakes
slithering in the grass in close pursuit,
Clears your vision to the back stabbers
and clarifies your hearing to the back bitters,
Helps you realize the fake circles you built
the fake allies and unloyal relatives
Those that caused you more pain
and left you to burn in hell, alone;
Makes distinct of those you need to cut off
In order to be a better you


Pain
Causes you to embrace loneliness
Solitude, intending to be alone
in an effort to shake off the constant despair
And in doing so you try to find healing
Mapping your way to salvation

However eventually it becomes hard
Dealing with the pain all alone
So you numb it all in by meditation
You crack a smile to the demanding world
and pretend you are okay
though you know you are dying inside
You just don’t want them to worry about you
but deep down that’s what you really want,
for them to care or even pretend to do


Pain
Most of all, enables you to recognize
a higher power, deity in control
The almighty one who’s seen all kinds of pain
Throughout the human history;
I was told that the pain is his way
of testing me, testing my faith
Pushing me to limit, keeping me on edge
Watching, waiting patiently
to see if you will snap out
If the pain will crack you making you deny him
I was also told he’s tryn’a teach me a lesson
or a couple more through this pain

But being my “human is to err self”
I eventually break, I flip out
I question him, an abormination
Making me a definite outcast
hoping for redemption and his mercy
Lord, are you gonna let me fall in distress?
Lord, are you even seeing me hurting?
Lord, haven’t I been faithful?
Lord, do I deserve this pain?

~ © John Acéx

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Distance

Nothing as crazy as my desperation as I struggle with our separation
Apologies for the confusion, nah, it ain’t no infatuation
It’s just I lost my way in all this depression with blurred vision
For you ain’t here no more to compass my direction
Now I’m in a beat down situation with no inspiration
Dropping all my squads participation cause I lorn only for you
Our crazy come through and chill and nights
Nothing can heal me of this sadness
Not even my daily meditation with a struggle for elevation
Out here in the ocean mapping out my way back to you
Rolled into mission, haven’t figured it out yet, so please holla your location

It’s never a goodbye, I do hope I’ll get to see you by
Staying up high tryn’a dig the reason why
Left me on read with my apologies, but nigga don’t cry
I never end these nights alive so I guess maybe I wasn’t so fly
Sucking it up knowing I didn’t try had enough
Took you for granted thinking it was all a bluff
Burning with remorse of the chances I wasted with you
Lost my mood feeling kinda odd
And my signal to you is running outta tune
I stare at the moon and pray to God that i get to see you soon
Never felt the type of joy you gave, got me feeling kinda way
Elevated cause we vibed in a million addictive ways
You my drug, I was a fien
Now my ecstasy is gone and I got no way to explain
Feeling down drowned in this pain
I miss our glory days when we were the talk on the streets
Getting caught up in all the webs you’d spin
But now all my effort to reach you is in vain
Guess I buy the wrong tickets or I’ve always just been late missing the train
Now my homies tryn’a convince you ain’t worth the strain
But fuck that, fuck them, they don’t know you as I do
Nor all the ups and downs we’ve been through
I don’t know when Im’a see you again
Feeling like I just been slain blowin in anguish I need outlet to drain
Need to wash away all this torture and so I hope it will rain

~ © John Acéx

Sorry

Can’t change the past
All the wrongs I did
Every disappointment
The lies I created
and unfulfilled promises

Baby, I let you down
Didn’t deserve all that
The sleepless nights
and endless cries
Wasn’t there for you

I never deserved you
Didn’t appreciate you
Took your love for granted
and you left me wasted
Chocking with remorse

I’m ashamed of facing you
I got no more excuses
To back up my faults
But don’t leave like this
Forgive me, I am sorry!

~ © John Acéx

Scars

I got these scars from loving you
I got these scars from fighting for you
every single day was a battle
Struggling hard to make you mine
But I guess I wasn’t alone in the race
If only I had known earlier
Maybe I’d be smart enough to let you go
Maybe I wouldn’t have these scars

I got these scars from waiting for you
Waiting for some love that never was
And you fooled me all the same
In ways only you know best
I allowed myself to be deceived
I fell right into your snares
Every time I tried to get near
Now I’m hurting out of these scars

I got these scars from holding onto you
with one hand, holding onto the cliff
Slipping inch by inch, afraid of falling
Tearing parts of me just to have you
Heart racing out of fear
But still beating slower by the second
Hands bleeding, all these scars for you
But you never came to my rescue
My saviour never came, love never came

I got these scars from believing you
You found me when I was lost, healed me
You took me so high in love
And lost me in the clouds
I drowned in your craziness every day
You were my heaven, my safe place
My light in the darkest of nights
I was good to you
But it was all some game to you
You never really loved me
And so I fell, down to the ground, fast, hard
Crushed all of me, my soul, my heart
All these scars out of love

I got these scars from trusting you
Never been hurt the way you hurt me
How could something so special as love
Give me all these scars, all this pain
I was advised to give love a chance
But love, in it’s most typical way
Got me all broken and lost… again
As I try to heal these scars
I know I’ll never be the same

Maybe I’ve had just enough of love!
Maybe my heart’s been broken just enough
Maybe I’ve had just enough of these scars!

~ © John Acéx

The endless midnight drives

The constant drives to the bar
To drain myself in the scorching liquor
To target the pain you caused me
The endless drives to the dump you fall asleep on
To pick your wasted self from the floots
The countless men
that call you in the middle of the night
You giggle yourself throughout the conversations
Promising them a good time with you
Suddenly, the bed becomes empty
Only to realize it’s one of the many nights
I twist and d bed silently and keenly
Listening…tic toc tic toc goes the clock
Counting, counting every second, every minute
Your body was kept on torture with men
Everytime I thought of leaving all this
Behind the pain, humiliation, shame, lies
I just couldn’t let it go
I’ve packed my bags countless times
But love and hope tied my body down
To stay with you one more time
Closing my eyes praying to this unknown God
God that heals an open wound,
3 am, I prepare myself to see your broken body
At the side of the road, wasted
But every time I’ve witness that
I’ve realized it’s love that draws me back to you
Then I realize that alcohol heals all wounds
My drink was a best friend
That made everything in life seem easy
And drowns itself in my sorrows
Just to forget you! The constant drives to the bar
To drain myself in the scorching liquor
To target the pain you caused me
The endless drives to the dump you fall asleep on
To pick your wasted self from the floots
The countless men
that call you in the middle of the night
You giggle yourself throughout the conversations
Promising them a good time with you
Suddenly, the bed becomes empty
Only to realize it’s one of the many nights
I twist and turn in the empty bed
I walk with hopeless footsteps towards the window,
Footsteps that are terrified
To know the damn ugly truth, but try to accept it
I watch your tired shadow entering the car
And tears fight back in my eyes
I lay myself in bed silently and keenly
Listening…tic toc tic toc goes the clock
Counting, counting every second, every minute
Your body was kept on torture with men
Everytime I thought of leaving all this
Behind the pain, humiliation, shame, lies
I just couldn’t let it go
I’ve packed my bags countless times
But love and hope tied my body down
To stay with you one more time
Closing my eyes praying to this unknown God
God that heals an open wound,
3 am, I prepare myself to see your broken body
At the side of the road, wasted
But every time I’ve witness that
I’ve realized it’s love that draws me back to you
Then I realize that alcohol heals all wounds
My drink was a best friend
That made everything in life seem easy
And drowns itself in my sorrows
Just to forget you!

~ © Calvin Alistar

Crestfallen

Life, this life of mine

What’s the essence of living?

What’s my purpose of existence?

Dreaming big ’bout my life

Putting in strainous effort

But results always puny

With every mirror tear that drops

Grows my bitterness towards life

What am I doing wrong?

Burnt down to ashes

Mercy of the wind I remain

I’ve failed to compasss my life

Lost my course of direction

I suffer on my cross

Hoping for a better me

But is there joy set after this?

With every sacrifice I make

Life hits me back dead-shot

What’s this life’s worth?

I need help, hear my cry!

~ © John Acéx