Confessions

taken a hobby
in collecting
your pictures

every single one
more beautiful
and glorious

i love to stare
at all of them
most of the time

they remain a
reminder of how
much i adore you

but more of
a pain of why
you aren’t mine

tried so hard
not to but i’ve
fallen for you

fear of rejection
has made me keep it
a secret this long

i however think
that it’s time
i open up to you

whatever this
revelation makes
you decide, it’s okay

maybe you’ll
find it a betrayal
of our friendship

forgive me for
the inconvenience
and messing up

maybe you need
time to navigate
and make a choice

i’ll be here
patiently waiting
for your response

maybe you think
it’s a bad idea and
don’t feel the same

i’ll promise to
respect your choice
and suck it up

but please do
let me down slowly,
i’m so in love with you

/listen/

~ John Acéx

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Obsession

guilt for hiding
all these feelings
i have from you

hate for everyone
that tries to show
some sort of
affection for you

jealousy for each
joyous moment
you have with
anyone else but me

disappointment
for your consistent
lack of noticing me

deep pain for every
effort you make to
be with another that
doesn’t care as i do

~ @ John Acéx

Sequel to the Bartender

i numb this pain of our separation with yet another glass of rum and cloud this reality with dark grey smokes like some voodoo artist, hoping to forget all about you in my high state of wild moon child adventure

the midnight sneaks to the bar at the edge of town, my home, my safe space, become my favorite hobby; the bartender, my savior, i run to you with tales of my betrayal and lessons against deep love

today it hurts more than ever, tonight i am low on cash; but the eager bartender with open ears, a good listener of my sob stories of anguish, offers me free whiskey to ignite yet another tearing night

some little bar etiquette guilts me of this gesture of drowning my sorrows and numbing my pain without paying a cent; so my depressed self trades the bartender my pretty pricey phone, forcefully

maybe later on tomorrow, when his shift’s done, he’ll open the divine thread between my ex love and i, and be lost in our texts, conversations long and beautiful, full of out of this world expressions of love and neatly tied with cheesy emojis of shy monkeys and love hearts

maybe in our most recent chats he’ll feel this pain beating in my dying heart, maybe he’ll notice how and when we began to drift away from each other, with delayed replies that just began a fortnight ago, feels like forever, maybe he’ll read my last text to you, a question of why you wanted to leave, a question of if you really loved me, all still left on read

what that means to choke you up, when you give yourself to someone in surrender and blind obsession, what that means to hate someone for disloyalty but still feel love for them, what that means to fight for air in your small space of torture; for she buried me alive and my soul is lost, wandered to the dark forest of heartbreak singing dirges she composed lying on my chest every other night

mr. bartender now understands my pain, he questions less about us because he has treaded on the spine that anchored our love and can vividly confess that it has been broken enough not to heal or try to find another tale of love

so i become his best yet scriptures of the bar table, a favorite customer deserving to be framed on his wall, one who needs not to pay for i’ll keep trading every last hurting memory of you for another shot of tequila

maybe i’ll eventually numb this heart enough to unfold you from my brain, maybe it will be tonight as i share this last drink with mr. bartender, one last drink to help me sleep dumb not to dream about you, one last drink until tomorrow

~ @ John Acéx

I for one truly love You

i’m tired of your sob stories
and you feeling sorry for yourself
because of his rejection

i’m tired of seeing you
putting in much effort
to be with him yet
he doesn’t care enough for you

you have to stop this
and accept the reality,
move on with your life
for you deserve to be happy
with someone that truly loves you

i for one truly love you,
and you know this absolute truth
but it’s all up to you…
take the wheel and enjoy the ride

~ @ John Acéx

Poisoned with Hate

I still care about you, you know I do
I believed you when you told me that you
Love me too,
Well, you loved me too
But you drifted away, leaving me all alone
You grew out of our love
That’s the reason you coined
When we last talked
When you broke up with me
Over a short disappointing phone call
When you broke my heart into pieces
And shuttered my hopes
of a happy ever after future for us

I’ve never seen you again
Since that fateful day,
But with my burner accounts
On the various social media platforms
You thrive on,
I can tell you’re doing okay

You moved on, fast, faster than I expected
Keeps me overthinking
Late in the purity of the midnight
Did you really love me as you assured
Did you really mean it
Because if you did it wouldn’t be this easy
If you truly did it wouldn’t be this easy,
I know I’m struggling everyday
To get over you, get over us
To move on with my life
To write this new chapter of me
Without you in character,
But all the memories we created
Are haunting me every single day
Torturing me in my dreams
And mid day fantasies,
Slowing down my healing process-
I wish I knew how you hastily did it
I wish it would be so easy

Maybe unlike my slow healing process
Yours was premeditated
Like way back before we fell in love
Maybe you just used me
For the high life adventure
Maybe you never really loved me
As I convinced myself
Maybe you never actually loved me
As I prided to my friends
Fact could probably stand that
I was just your attention satisfier
Maybe you had already mapped out
How you’d fool me of love
How you’d make me feel special and yours
How you’d trap me in your web of deceit
And when you’d leave me alone
For yet another heart breaking mission
Maybe it’s why you didn’t hurt as much
As I did when our story came to an end

So much pain and depression
Poisoning my heart with hate
Hate for everything blinding you did
Hate for offering you my soul
Hate for you
But I still care about you
You know I do

– John Acéx

Lust

Lust
The preacher calls it sin
The good book demonizes it
My parent’s upright morals
bringing up wouldn’t let me lust
That looking at you
And adoring your beauty sexually
Would reserve me a seat
In the eternal flames of hell
That staring at your marvellous
sculpted pillar of admiration
would drift me away from
The path of light

But every time I look at you
Im afraid that I can’t help myself
But to fall deep in lust
Every time you walk through the door
As you serene the room silent
I keep throwing stares
Watching you from afar
Trying hard to flirt with eye contact
But failing in courage to approach you
And afirm the vibe you give me
Everyone stays amazed at your glow
Like you’re a fallen angel
A perfect work of art
With extreme seduction

And I hope you look my way
Long enough to notice my crush on you
I hope you look my way
Lon enough to find me appreciate
God’s perfect creation of you
Yes, I can’t help myself but fall deep in lust
I’m unable to fight this feeling
Ready to go against all I’ve been taught
against my lust for you
Ready to tread into the path of darkness
with this fruit of admiration
I hope you look my way long enough
Though I know you won’t notice me

~ © John Acéx

Death Medley

I am afraid
I can feel the darkness creeping in
Sending chills down my spine
and I’m cornered with a dread divine
Hoping that in you a solution I’ll find

I am afraid of death
Yes, dying and the whole idea
of being gone forever.
On many occasions I coffee my time
All through the night
Engaging in nothing of chief importance
but just to control the fear
that if I lay down to sleep
I may not rise to see the sun’s rays again.
Sometimes I give in to the sleep
though I ensure I set at least two hours
intervaled alarms to keep me awake
To keep myself alive
until I adore yet another dawn.

I am afraid of death
Of the fact that I’ll leave
Those in my circle broken and sad
Of the enemies I might have made
who’ll cheat to mourn
but take pride in my departing.
I am afraid
That eventually I’ll be forgotten
and simply just be a fragment
of a long lost memory

I am afraid of love
I am afraid of opening my heart
to another soul and let them be a part of me
My thoughts are racing every minute
vividly reminding me
that each love story I played as character
Always paced along the same edge
of uncertainty of the future
and eventual tripping and falling
Drowning in the lake of remorse
I’ve had a bad history
in every attempt I made at falling in love,
None of them didn’t inscribe a scar
Each leaving me more damaged than before.
The more my heart gets broken
the more I feel my soul being lost
in the tormenting darkness
Haunted by all the failed expectations
and unfulfilled promises

I am afraid of love,
I am afraid that I’m getting close to you
at a fast elevating rate,
I am afraid that I might actually
be falling in love with you.
I don’t want to lose you
I don’t want to let go of what we have
but I fear that this might just be the
same recurring nightmare of self-pain.

I pray for a long content life
and dream of a true genuine love,
but I am clouded with fear
because of the anxiety of the future
and demons of my past that are bound
to catch up with me one day
and set me captive when I least expect it.

I hope the love we share
won’t die but write our eternity instead
I hope we won’t face death
before we enjoy the love we’re scripting

~ © John Acéx