Death Medley

I am afraid
I can feel the darkness creeping in
Sending chills down my spine
and I’m cornered with a dread divine
Hoping that in you a solution I’ll find

I am afraid of death
Yes, dying and the whole idea
of being gone forever.
On many occasions I coffee my time
All through the night
Engaging in nothing of chief importance
but just to control the fear
that if I lay down to sleep
I may not rise to see the sun’s rays again.
Sometimes I give in to the sleep
though I ensure I set at least two hours
intervaled alarms to keep me awake
To keep myself alive
until I adore yet another dawn.

I am afraid of death
Of the fact that I’ll leave
Those in my circle broken and sad
Of the enemies I might have made
who’ll cheat to mourn
but take pride in my departing.
I am afraid
That eventually I’ll be forgotten
and simply just be a fragment
of a long lost memory

I am afraid of love
I am afraid of opening my heart
to another soul and let them be a part of me
My thoughts are racing every minute
vividly reminding me
that each love story I played as character
Always paced along the same edge
of uncertainty of the future
and eventual tripping and falling
Drowning in the lake of remorse
I’ve had a bad history
in every attempt I made at falling in love,
None of them didn’t inscribe a scar
Each leaving me more damaged than before.
The more my heart gets broken
the more I feel my soul being lost
in the tormenting darkness
Haunted by all the failed expectations
and unfulfilled promises

I am afraid of love,
I am afraid that I’m getting close to you
at a fast elevating rate,
I am afraid that I might actually
be falling in love with you.
I don’t want to lose you
I don’t want to let go of what we have
but I fear that this might just be the
same recurring nightmare of self-pain.

I pray for a long content life
and dream of a true genuine love,
but I am clouded with fear
because of the anxiety of the future
and demons of my past that are bound
to catch up with me one day
and set me captive when I least expect it.

I hope the love we share
won’t die but write our eternity instead
I hope we won’t face death
before we enjoy the love we’re scripting

~ © John Acéx


Poetry, my safe space

Poetry was just
an escape from
all the anxiety
and daily stumbles

Poetry remains
to be my safe space
to bleed out this
troubled soul

Poetry, my therapy
a way to heal
and be a better me

~ © John Acéx


18 – guess I’m an adult now
18 – I wanna explore the world
18 – tryn’a discover myself
18 – on some days I ain’t even sure who I am
18 – gets crazy when I forget my name
18 – I’m just a boy in this shitty world
18 – get dreadlocks to look cool
18 – empty the tattoo savings jar,
18 – call the piercings artist
18 – go on, rebel boy!

18 – “family” can be so overrated
18 – everyone’s too judgemental
18 – I wanna be alone
18 – I wanna feel loved
18 – fake love, fake friends, fake hommies
18 – everything’s fake, my life’s fake
18 – bad company, tighter circles
18 – smoke weed, pop pills, a couple bottles
18 – feel wasted, why am I still alive

18 – how can I be rich fast?
18 – zero qualifications
18 – all online referral jobs fake
18 – no patience,
18 – no time to waste
18 – I don’t wanna wait on the process
18 – how can I be insta-famous
18 – how can I be verified
18 – fake likes, fake comments, fake tags
18 – none of that shit actually matters

18 – tryn’a be relevant in the society
18 – tryn’a make the society proud
18 – tryn’a better the society
18 – who’s this society
18 – many things still don’t make sense to me
18 – quick quiz, who created pornhub
18 – just wondering, asking for a friend
18 – clear my web search every morning

18 – “I’m a sinner, who’s probably gonna sin again”
18 – Lord forgive me of all my darks
18 – what’s the quickest, painless way to heaven
18 – I think I’m tired of breathing
18 – I’m dying gradually, I need help
18 – I think I’m lost, I need direction
18 – hello depression, hello anxiety
18 – hello future, I didn’t picture you like this
18 – you’re too much to bare
18 – I’m too much to bare
18 – start a cult, feel important
18 – join a cult, get myself killed
18 – just a boy, ain’t that courageous enough
18 – there’s still much to do, let me live

18 – why am I here? who woke me up?
18 – I think I should drop out
18 – fake systems, fake careers
18 – hello pen, hello notebook, hello poetry club
18 – doctor said you’re too small for your age
18 – empty fridge, stress eating
18 – wasteful kid, tryn’a keep fit
18 – don’t shave that beard wolverine
18 – it will make you look more manly

18 – no one actually understands
18 – why don’t you speak up John!
18 – who’s John, oh, that’s me
18 – hi introvert me in the mirror
18 – what’s wrong with me
18 – why do you care, let me be
18 – love my hoodie on in every weather
18 – I prefer my curtains closed all day
18 – walk around with my fists closed
18 – I’m sad and okay with it
18 – I’m probably mad with everyone
18 – a cloud of emotions, a rain of pain

18 – disappoint all with expectations
18 – fail all looking up to me
18 – a crazy proud baby daddy
18 – just kidding baby, we ain’t ready
18 – every time I said I loved you I was high
18 – but I really do love you
18 – I don’t know how to express myself
18 – please stop pushing me away
18 – why I love sleep is I dream a lot
18 – tryn’a keep up with reality
18 – guess I’m not adult enough

~ © John Acéx