Death Medley

I am afraid
I can feel the darkness creeping in
Sending chills down my spine
and I’m cornered with a dread divine
Hoping that in you a solution I’ll find

I am afraid of death
Yes, dying and the whole idea
of being gone forever.
On many occasions I coffee my time
All through the night
Engaging in nothing of chief importance
but just to control the fear
that if I lay down to sleep
I may not rise to see the sun’s rays again.
Sometimes I give in to the sleep
though I ensure I set at least two hours
intervaled alarms to keep me awake
To keep myself alive
until I adore yet another dawn.

I am afraid of death
Of the fact that I’ll leave
Those in my circle broken and sad
Of the enemies I might have made
who’ll cheat to mourn
but take pride in my departing.
I am afraid
That eventually I’ll be forgotten
and simply just be a fragment
of a long lost memory

I am afraid of love
I am afraid of opening my heart
to another soul and let them be a part of me
My thoughts are racing every minute
vividly reminding me
that each love story I played as character
Always paced along the same edge
of uncertainty of the future
and eventual tripping and falling
Drowning in the lake of remorse
I’ve had a bad history
in every attempt I made at falling in love,
None of them didn’t inscribe a scar
Each leaving me more damaged than before.
The more my heart gets broken
the more I feel my soul being lost
in the tormenting darkness
Haunted by all the failed expectations
and unfulfilled promises

I am afraid of love,
I am afraid that I’m getting close to you
at a fast elevating rate,
I am afraid that I might actually
be falling in love with you.
I don’t want to lose you
I don’t want to let go of what we have
but I fear that this might just be the
same recurring nightmare of self-pain.

I pray for a long content life
and dream of a true genuine love,
but I am clouded with fear
because of the anxiety of the future
and demons of my past that are bound
to catch up with me one day
and set me captive when I least expect it.

I hope the love we share
won’t die but write our eternity instead
I hope we won’t face death
before we enjoy the love we’re scripting

~ © John Acéx

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Poetry, my safe space

Poetry was just
an escape from
all the anxiety
and daily stumbles

Poetry remains
to be my safe space
to bleed out this
troubled soul

Poetry, my therapy
a way to heal
and be a better me

~ © John Acéx

18

18 – guess I’m an adult now
18 – I wanna explore the world
18 – tryn’a discover myself
18 – on some days I ain’t even sure who I am
18 – gets crazy when I forget my name
18 – I’m just a boy in this shitty world
18 – get dreadlocks to look cool
18 – empty the tattoo savings jar,
18 – call the piercings artist
18 – go on, rebel boy!

18 – “family” can be so overrated
18 – everyone’s too judgemental
18 – I wanna be alone
18 – I wanna feel loved
18 – fake love, fake friends, fake hommies
18 – everything’s fake, my life’s fake
18 – bad company, tighter circles
18 – smoke weed, pop pills, a couple bottles
18 – feel wasted, why am I still alive

18 – how can I be rich fast?
18 – zero qualifications
18 – all online referral jobs fake
18 – no patience,
18 – no time to waste
18 – I don’t wanna wait on the process
18 – how can I be insta-famous
18 – how can I be verified
18 – fake likes, fake comments, fake tags
18 – none of that shit actually matters

18 – tryn’a be relevant in the society
18 – tryn’a make the society proud
18 – tryn’a better the society
18 – who’s this society
18 – many things still don’t make sense to me
18 – quick quiz, who created pornhub
18 – just wondering, asking for a friend
18 – clear my web search every morning

18 – “I’m a sinner, who’s probably gonna sin again”
18 – Lord forgive me of all my darks
18 – what’s the quickest, painless way to heaven
18 – I think I’m tired of breathing
18 – I’m dying gradually, I need help
18 – I think I’m lost, I need direction
18 – hello depression, hello anxiety
18 – hello future, I didn’t picture you like this
18 – you’re too much to bare
18 – I’m too much to bare
18 – start a cult, feel important
18 – join a cult, get myself killed
18 – just a boy, ain’t that courageous enough
18 – there’s still much to do, let me live

18 – why am I here? who woke me up?
18 – I think I should drop out
18 – fake systems, fake careers
18 – hello pen, hello notebook, hello poetry club
18 – doctor said you’re too small for your age
18 – empty fridge, stress eating
18 – wasteful kid, tryn’a keep fit
18 – don’t shave that beard wolverine
18 – it will make you look more manly

18 – no one actually understands
18 – why don’t you speak up John!
18 – who’s John, oh, that’s me
18 – hi introvert me in the mirror
18 – what’s wrong with me
18 – why do you care, let me be
18 – love my hoodie on in every weather
18 – I prefer my curtains closed all day
18 – walk around with my fists closed
18 – I’m sad and okay with it
18 – I’m probably mad with everyone
18 – a cloud of emotions, a rain of pain

18 – disappoint all with expectations
18 – fail all looking up to me
18 – a crazy proud baby daddy
18 – just kidding baby, we ain’t ready
18 – every time I said I loved you I was high
18 – but I really do love you
18 – I don’t know how to express myself
18 – please stop pushing me away
18 – why I love sleep is I dream a lot
18 – tryn’a keep up with reality
18 – guess I’m not adult enough

~ © John Acéx