Obsession

guilt for hiding
all these feelings
i have from you

hate for everyone
that tries to show
some sort of
affection for you

jealousy for each
joyous moment
you have with
anyone else but me

disappointment
for your consistent
lack of noticing me

deep pain for every
effort you make to
be with another that
doesn’t care as i do

~ @ John Acéx

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Poisoned with Hate

I still care about you, you know I do
I believed you when you told me that you
Love me too,
Well, you loved me too
But you drifted away, leaving me all alone
You grew out of our love
That’s the reason you coined
When we last talked
When you broke up with me
Over a short disappointing phone call
When you broke my heart into pieces
And shuttered my hopes
of a happy ever after future for us

I’ve never seen you again
Since that fateful day,
But with my burner accounts
On the various social media platforms
You thrive on,
I can tell you’re doing okay

You moved on, fast, faster than I expected
Keeps me overthinking
Late in the purity of the midnight
Did you really love me as you assured
Did you really mean it
Because if you did it wouldn’t be this easy
If you truly did it wouldn’t be this easy,
I know I’m struggling everyday
To get over you, get over us
To move on with my life
To write this new chapter of me
Without you in character,
But all the memories we created
Are haunting me every single day
Torturing me in my dreams
And mid day fantasies,
Slowing down my healing process-
I wish I knew how you hastily did it
I wish it would be so easy

Maybe unlike my slow healing process
Yours was premeditated
Like way back before we fell in love
Maybe you just used me
For the high life adventure
Maybe you never really loved me
As I convinced myself
Maybe you never actually loved me
As I prided to my friends
Fact could probably stand that
I was just your attention satisfier
Maybe you had already mapped out
How you’d fool me of love
How you’d make me feel special and yours
How you’d trap me in your web of deceit
And when you’d leave me alone
For yet another heart breaking mission
Maybe it’s why you didn’t hurt as much
As I did when our story came to an end

So much pain and depression
Poisoning my heart with hate
Hate for everything blinding you did
Hate for offering you my soul
Hate for you
But I still care about you
You know I do

– John Acéx

Death Medley

I am afraid
I can feel the darkness creeping in
Sending chills down my spine
and I’m cornered with a dread divine
Hoping that in you a solution I’ll find

I am afraid of death
Yes, dying and the whole idea
of being gone forever.
On many occasions I coffee my time
All through the night
Engaging in nothing of chief importance
but just to control the fear
that if I lay down to sleep
I may not rise to see the sun’s rays again.
Sometimes I give in to the sleep
though I ensure I set at least two hours
intervaled alarms to keep me awake
To keep myself alive
until I adore yet another dawn.

I am afraid of death
Of the fact that I’ll leave
Those in my circle broken and sad
Of the enemies I might have made
who’ll cheat to mourn
but take pride in my departing.
I am afraid
That eventually I’ll be forgotten
and simply just be a fragment
of a long lost memory

I am afraid of love
I am afraid of opening my heart
to another soul and let them be a part of me
My thoughts are racing every minute
vividly reminding me
that each love story I played as character
Always paced along the same edge
of uncertainty of the future
and eventual tripping and falling
Drowning in the lake of remorse
I’ve had a bad history
in every attempt I made at falling in love,
None of them didn’t inscribe a scar
Each leaving me more damaged than before.
The more my heart gets broken
the more I feel my soul being lost
in the tormenting darkness
Haunted by all the failed expectations
and unfulfilled promises

I am afraid of love,
I am afraid that I’m getting close to you
at a fast elevating rate,
I am afraid that I might actually
be falling in love with you.
I don’t want to lose you
I don’t want to let go of what we have
but I fear that this might just be the
same recurring nightmare of self-pain.

I pray for a long content life
and dream of a true genuine love,
but I am clouded with fear
because of the anxiety of the future
and demons of my past that are bound
to catch up with me one day
and set me captive when I least expect it.

I hope the love we share
won’t die but write our eternity instead
I hope we won’t face death
before we enjoy the love we’re scripting

~ © John Acéx

Distance

Nothing as crazy as my desperation as I struggle with our separation
Apologies for the confusion, nah, it ain’t no infatuation
It’s just I lost my way in all this depression with blurred vision
For you ain’t here no more to compass my direction
Now I’m in a beat down situation with no inspiration
Dropping all my squads participation cause I lorn only for you
Our crazy come through and chill and nights
Nothing can heal me of this sadness
Not even my daily meditation with a struggle for elevation
Out here in the ocean mapping out my way back to you
Rolled into mission, haven’t figured it out yet, so please holla your location

It’s never a goodbye, I do hope I’ll get to see you by
Staying up high tryn’a dig the reason why
Left me on read with my apologies, but nigga don’t cry
I never end these nights alive so I guess maybe I wasn’t so fly
Sucking it up knowing I didn’t try had enough
Took you for granted thinking it was all a bluff
Burning with remorse of the chances I wasted with you
Lost my mood feeling kinda odd
And my signal to you is running outta tune
I stare at the moon and pray to God that i get to see you soon
Never felt the type of joy you gave, got me feeling kinda way
Elevated cause we vibed in a million addictive ways
You my drug, I was a fien
Now my ecstasy is gone and I got no way to explain
Feeling down drowned in this pain
I miss our glory days when we were the talk on the streets
Getting caught up in all the webs you’d spin
But now all my effort to reach you is in vain
Guess I buy the wrong tickets or I’ve always just been late missing the train
Now my homies tryn’a convince you ain’t worth the strain
But fuck that, fuck them, they don’t know you as I do
Nor all the ups and downs we’ve been through
I don’t know when Im’a see you again
Feeling like I just been slain blowin in anguish I need outlet to drain
Need to wash away all this torture and so I hope it will rain

~ © John Acéx

Sorry

Can’t change the past
All the wrongs I did
Every disappointment
The lies I created
and unfulfilled promises

Baby, I let you down
Didn’t deserve all that
The sleepless nights
and endless cries
Wasn’t there for you

I never deserved you
Didn’t appreciate you
Took your love for granted
and you left me wasted
Chocking with remorse

I’m ashamed of facing you
I got no more excuses
To back up my faults
But don’t leave like this
Forgive me, I am sorry!

~ © John Acéx

Alone

Cage me inside a box
empty and in darkness
and let me be alone

Pain, depression, anxiety
A hard blow to my jaw
Fire consuming me alive
I feel like I’m dying
Drowning into deep waters
Tied rocks to my feet
but fighting to get afloat
throwing kicks and punches
struggling to remain alive
but all in vain, I’m dead

I am running out of time
I am running out of air
I need to stay alive
For the ones who care
but I’m strangling myself
Tryn’a kill myself, hard
Rope round my neck, firm
Legs hanging in midair
Two things are in my head
I’m either flying to heaven
Or waiting to fall to hell
I am running to death, fast

I don’t see the point of living
Of seeing my tomorrow
Because I’m sure of its pains
I am out of hope
I am tired of this hurt
That’s tearing my soul apart
I am tired of the pretence
Acting like all is well
But deep down I’m breaking
I am tired of my crooked smile
Tired of crying myself to sleep
I am tired of this torture
I want it all to stop
I want the pain to stop
I want the struggles to stop
I want this life… I want
I want everything to stop

Cage me inside a box
Empty and in darkness
Where nothing else matters
Where no one else exists
With no one to judge me
With no fake empathy
With no one to mind or help
With nothing to stress
Cage me inside a box
and let me be alone
So I may numb my pain

~ © John Acéx

Strange reflection

One look in the mirror
and I am unable
to recognize what I see
I’ve become unable
to understand who I see

Like a caged bird
I feel lost in this body
the reflection ain’t me
I see a monster
Terrifying me to the bone
I see a stranger
Who’s taken over my body
Trapped in this aching vessel

I am deeply afraid
Afraid of whom I see
I am dripping of fear
Fear of what I have become
I am afraid of myself
of the harm I may cause myself
of the risk I have created
to everyone who’s close to me
to all who care about me;

Strange reflection
starring in the mirror
I don’t wanna be you,
Strange reflection
tormenting my soul
I don’t wanna be me

~ © John Acéx