Confessions

taken a hobby
in collecting
your pictures

every single one
more beautiful
and glorious

i love to stare
at all of them
most of the time

they remain a
reminder of how
much i adore you

but more of
a pain of why
you aren’t mine

tried so hard
not to but i’ve
fallen for you

fear of rejection
has made me keep it
a secret this long

i however think
that it’s time
i open up to you

whatever this
revelation makes
you decide, it’s okay

maybe you’ll
find it a betrayal
of our friendship

forgive me for
the inconvenience
and messing up

maybe you need
time to navigate
and make a choice

i’ll be here
patiently waiting
for your response

maybe you think
it’s a bad idea and
don’t feel the same

i’ll promise to
respect your choice
and suck it up

but please do
let me down slowly,
i’m so in love with you

/listen/

~ John Acéx

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Obsession

guilt for hiding
all these feelings
i have from you

hate for everyone
that tries to show
some sort of
affection for you

jealousy for each
joyous moment
you have with
anyone else but me

disappointment
for your consistent
lack of noticing me

deep pain for every
effort you make to
be with another that
doesn’t care as i do

~ @ John Acéx

Poisoned with Hate

I still care about you, you know I do
I believed you when you told me that you
Love me too,
Well, you loved me too
But you drifted away, leaving me all alone
You grew out of our love
That’s the reason you coined
When we last talked
When you broke up with me
Over a short disappointing phone call
When you broke my heart into pieces
And shuttered my hopes
of a happy ever after future for us

I’ve never seen you again
Since that fateful day,
But with my burner accounts
On the various social media platforms
You thrive on,
I can tell you’re doing okay

You moved on, fast, faster than I expected
Keeps me overthinking
Late in the purity of the midnight
Did you really love me as you assured
Did you really mean it
Because if you did it wouldn’t be this easy
If you truly did it wouldn’t be this easy,
I know I’m struggling everyday
To get over you, get over us
To move on with my life
To write this new chapter of me
Without you in character,
But all the memories we created
Are haunting me every single day
Torturing me in my dreams
And mid day fantasies,
Slowing down my healing process-
I wish I knew how you hastily did it
I wish it would be so easy

Maybe unlike my slow healing process
Yours was premeditated
Like way back before we fell in love
Maybe you just used me
For the high life adventure
Maybe you never really loved me
As I convinced myself
Maybe you never actually loved me
As I prided to my friends
Fact could probably stand that
I was just your attention satisfier
Maybe you had already mapped out
How you’d fool me of love
How you’d make me feel special and yours
How you’d trap me in your web of deceit
And when you’d leave me alone
For yet another heart breaking mission
Maybe it’s why you didn’t hurt as much
As I did when our story came to an end

So much pain and depression
Poisoning my heart with hate
Hate for everything blinding you did
Hate for offering you my soul
Hate for you
But I still care about you
You know I do

– John Acéx

A Holier Day Will Dawn

Don’t follow the deceitful
shadow of the unseen
nor stare at the dark
reflection of the unknown

It will storm up the spirit of chaos
awakening your worst demons
creating an unnatural balance
with forms of your soul’s lost graces

It will take advantage of your faults
break you with every remorse
blinding you from the truth of redemption
leading you to insanity
without any hope of inner peace
and promising salvation

Oppressing you in immense pain
Possessing your broken soul
Tormenting you to death

But don’t you dare stop praying
Have divine faith
That you will not bleed out
All through the devil’s torture

Believe that a holier day will dawn
Believe that peace will arise again

~ © John Acéx

Death Medley

I am afraid
I can feel the darkness creeping in
Sending chills down my spine
and I’m cornered with a dread divine
Hoping that in you a solution I’ll find

I am afraid of death
Yes, dying and the whole idea
of being gone forever.
On many occasions I coffee my time
All through the night
Engaging in nothing of chief importance
but just to control the fear
that if I lay down to sleep
I may not rise to see the sun’s rays again.
Sometimes I give in to the sleep
though I ensure I set at least two hours
intervaled alarms to keep me awake
To keep myself alive
until I adore yet another dawn.

I am afraid of death
Of the fact that I’ll leave
Those in my circle broken and sad
Of the enemies I might have made
who’ll cheat to mourn
but take pride in my departing.
I am afraid
That eventually I’ll be forgotten
and simply just be a fragment
of a long lost memory

I am afraid of love
I am afraid of opening my heart
to another soul and let them be a part of me
My thoughts are racing every minute
vividly reminding me
that each love story I played as character
Always paced along the same edge
of uncertainty of the future
and eventual tripping and falling
Drowning in the lake of remorse
I’ve had a bad history
in every attempt I made at falling in love,
None of them didn’t inscribe a scar
Each leaving me more damaged than before.
The more my heart gets broken
the more I feel my soul being lost
in the tormenting darkness
Haunted by all the failed expectations
and unfulfilled promises

I am afraid of love,
I am afraid that I’m getting close to you
at a fast elevating rate,
I am afraid that I might actually
be falling in love with you.
I don’t want to lose you
I don’t want to let go of what we have
but I fear that this might just be the
same recurring nightmare of self-pain.

I pray for a long content life
and dream of a true genuine love,
but I am clouded with fear
because of the anxiety of the future
and demons of my past that are bound
to catch up with me one day
and set me captive when I least expect it.

I hope the love we share
won’t die but write our eternity instead
I hope we won’t face death
before we enjoy the love we’re scripting

~ © John Acéx

Slaves to Society

You stole our hopes
corrupted our minds
and killed our dreams

Now we are a plague
to the same society
that enslaved us

All our efforts at
seeking freedom is
being tagged a crime

But maybe a little
breaking of your laws
and aborminating sins
is what it will take
to feel alive, again

~ © John Acéx

Lord, do I deserve this Pain?

Pain
I haven’t witnsesed or experienced
much or enough of it in my life
but I have certainly had a fair share of my own
The torture, torment and desperation
you go through battling with this pain
The emotional breakdown, every tear, every cry

It’s crazy that it all comes with lessons
and some times enlightenment
that helps us as we soldier on with life
I know my pain does that
and it will continue to do so


Pain
Reminds you that you’re human
That even as the superior creation
in this tormenting world as it could be,
You remain vulnerable to being hurt
broken hearted, and indeed feeling pain
It makes you aware that you ain’t special,
not any greater than anyone else
That no form of advantages and benefits
that you may have tagged on you
could shield you from pain;

My therapist told me once that
I have a hard time dealing with my pain
because I always think it’s all about me,
That I’m unconscious of others
who also have their own struggles
causing them pain they need to deal with;
That hit me hard as I stumbled on my pride


Pain
Shows you the importance and value of life,
of being happy most of the time
faithfully counting your blessings
and appreciating the love of family and friends
It reminds you of all the moments
you took these aspects of life for granted
The things that actually do matter

Though it also helps you see the snakes
slithering in the grass in close pursuit,
Clears your vision to the back stabbers
and clarifies your hearing to the back bitters,
Helps you realize the fake circles you built
the fake allies and unloyal relatives
Those that caused you more pain
and left you to burn in hell, alone;
Makes distinct of those you need to cut off
In order to be a better you


Pain
Causes you to embrace loneliness
Solitude, intending to be alone
in an effort to shake off the constant despair
And in doing so you try to find healing
Mapping your way to salvation

However eventually it becomes hard
Dealing with the pain all alone
So you numb it all in by meditation
You crack a smile to the demanding world
and pretend you are okay
though you know you are dying inside
You just don’t want them to worry about you
but deep down that’s what you really want,
for them to care or even pretend to do


Pain
Most of all, enables you to recognize
a higher power, deity in control
The almighty one who’s seen all kinds of pain
Throughout the human history;
I was told that the pain is his way
of testing me, testing my faith
Pushing me to limit, keeping me on edge
Watching, waiting patiently
to see if you will snap out
If the pain will crack you making you deny him
I was also told he’s tryn’a teach me a lesson
or a couple more through this pain

But being my “human is to err self”
I eventually break, I flip out
I question him, an abormination
Making me a definite outcast
hoping for redemption and his mercy
Lord, are you gonna let me fall in distress?
Lord, are you even seeing me hurting?
Lord, haven’t I been faithful?
Lord, do I deserve this pain?

~ © John Acéx