Obsession

guilt for hiding
all these feelings
i have from you

hate for everyone
that tries to show
some sort of
affection for you

jealousy for each
joyous moment
you have with
anyone else but me

disappointment
for your consistent
lack of noticing me

deep pain for every
effort you make to
be with another that
doesn’t care as i do

~ @ John Acéx

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Sequel to the Bartender

i numb this pain of our separation with yet another glass of rum and cloud this reality with dark grey smokes like some voodoo artist, hoping to forget all about you in my high state of wild moon child adventure

the midnight sneaks to the bar at the edge of town, my home, my safe space, become my favorite hobby; the bartender, my savior, i run to you with tales of my betrayal and lessons against deep love

today it hurts more than ever, tonight i am low on cash; but the eager bartender with open ears, a good listener of my sob stories of anguish, offers me free whiskey to ignite yet another tearing night

some little bar etiquette guilts me of this gesture of drowning my sorrows and numbing my pain without paying a cent; so my depressed self trades the bartender my pretty pricey phone, forcefully

maybe later on tomorrow, when his shift’s done, he’ll open the divine thread between my ex love and i, and be lost in our texts, conversations long and beautiful, full of out of this world expressions of love and neatly tied with cheesy emojis of shy monkeys and love hearts

maybe in our most recent chats he’ll feel this pain beating in my dying heart, maybe he’ll notice how and when we began to drift away from each other, with delayed replies that just began a fortnight ago, feels like forever, maybe he’ll read my last text to you, a question of why you wanted to leave, a question of if you really loved me, all still left on read

what that means to choke you up, when you give yourself to someone in surrender and blind obsession, what that means to hate someone for disloyalty but still feel love for them, what that means to fight for air in your small space of torture; for she buried me alive and my soul is lost, wandered to the dark forest of heartbreak singing dirges she composed lying on my chest every other night

mr. bartender now understands my pain, he questions less about us because he has treaded on the spine that anchored our love and can vividly confess that it has been broken enough not to heal or try to find another tale of love

so i become his best yet scriptures of the bar table, a favorite customer deserving to be framed on his wall, one who needs not to pay for i’ll keep trading every last hurting memory of you for another shot of tequila

maybe i’ll eventually numb this heart enough to unfold you from my brain, maybe it will be tonight as i share this last drink with mr. bartender, one last drink to help me sleep dumb not to dream about you, one last drink until tomorrow

~ @ John Acéx

Distance

Nothing as crazy as my desperation as I struggle with our separation
Apologies for the confusion, nah, it ain’t no infatuation
It’s just I lost my way in all this depression with blurred vision
For you ain’t here no more to compass my direction
Now I’m in a beat down situation with no inspiration
Dropping all my squads participation cause I lorn only for you
Our crazy come through and chill and nights
Nothing can heal me of this sadness
Not even my daily meditation with a struggle for elevation
Out here in the ocean mapping out my way back to you
Rolled into mission, haven’t figured it out yet, so please holla your location

It’s never a goodbye, I do hope I’ll get to see you by
Staying up high tryn’a dig the reason why
Left me on read with my apologies, but nigga don’t cry
I never end these nights alive so I guess maybe I wasn’t so fly
Sucking it up knowing I didn’t try had enough
Took you for granted thinking it was all a bluff
Burning with remorse of the chances I wasted with you
Lost my mood feeling kinda odd
And my signal to you is running outta tune
I stare at the moon and pray to God that i get to see you soon
Never felt the type of joy you gave, got me feeling kinda way
Elevated cause we vibed in a million addictive ways
You my drug, I was a fien
Now my ecstasy is gone and I got no way to explain
Feeling down drowned in this pain
I miss our glory days when we were the talk on the streets
Getting caught up in all the webs you’d spin
But now all my effort to reach you is in vain
Guess I buy the wrong tickets or I’ve always just been late missing the train
Now my homies tryn’a convince you ain’t worth the strain
But fuck that, fuck them, they don’t know you as I do
Nor all the ups and downs we’ve been through
I don’t know when Im’a see you again
Feeling like I just been slain blowin in anguish I need outlet to drain
Need to wash away all this torture and so I hope it will rain

~ © John Acéx

Sorry about Yesterday

I’m sorry my love
I’m sorry about yesterday
I screwed up, screwed up bad
I wasn’t there for you when I had to
when I was supposed to
I disappointed you, broke your heart
What I did has no valid excuse
and I respect you much not to lie
I know my presence would make you smile
I took that away from you
I took away your happiness
and for failing you, love, I’m sorry
cause I vowed to put nothing above you
But I did, I did break my vow
I broke my promise of time to you

Wish I had the power to reverse time
So I can wake up yesterday, remorseful
And determined to be better for you
But I can’t, what’s done is done
and it saddens me big time
I made a terrible mistake,
and it cannot be undone, it stays on record
a dark page in your journal
to always remind you that I failed
There’s no way I could rectify this
This happens once a year and I missed it

My soul is all broken right now
by just the thought that maybe
You cried yourself to sleep, yesterday
Tears of this pain I caused you
Tears caused by the one you chose to love
and the fool wasn’t even there then
to just dry your eyes and apologize
to make up for his mess and tell you it’s okay
I’m sorry for coming out late

The shame that clouded me killed my courage
I’m even afraid of facing you right now
I don’t know what I’m gonna say
I’m afraid of what you gonna say
I’m afraid of losing you
That’s why I write this form of apology
Praying that it will set my path straight
Before I finally face you
I hope that you will find a way to hold on
I hope that you will hear me out
and probably find a reason to forgive me,
a reason to save my wretched soul
from my self-torment

I promise to be better for you
I’m sorry my love, sorry for disappointing you
I’m sorry for yesterday

~ © John Acex

Scars

I got these scars from loving you
I got these scars from fighting for you
every single day was a battle
Struggling hard to make you mine
But I guess I wasn’t alone in the race
If only I had known earlier
Maybe I’d be smart enough to let you go
Maybe I wouldn’t have these scars

I got these scars from waiting for you
Waiting for some love that never was
And you fooled me all the same
In ways only you know best
I allowed myself to be deceived
I fell right into your snares
Every time I tried to get near
Now I’m hurting out of these scars

I got these scars from holding onto you
with one hand, holding onto the cliff
Slipping inch by inch, afraid of falling
Tearing parts of me just to have you
Heart racing out of fear
But still beating slower by the second
Hands bleeding, all these scars for you
But you never came to my rescue
My saviour never came, love never came

I got these scars from believing you
You found me when I was lost, healed me
You took me so high in love
And lost me in the clouds
I drowned in your craziness every day
You were my heaven, my safe place
My light in the darkest of nights
I was good to you
But it was all some game to you
You never really loved me
And so I fell, down to the ground, fast, hard
Crushed all of me, my soul, my heart
All these scars out of love

I got these scars from trusting you
Never been hurt the way you hurt me
How could something so special as love
Give me all these scars, all this pain
I was advised to give love a chance
But love, in it’s most typical way
Got me all broken and lost… again
As I try to heal these scars
I know I’ll never be the same

Maybe I’ve had just enough of love!
Maybe my heart’s been broken just enough
Maybe I’ve had just enough of these scars!

~ © John Acéx

What better way

what better way
to feel so dead
than falling in love
with the wrong person

what better way
to get a life lesson
than through
a heart break

what better way
to be so confused
than to love and hate
at the same time

what better way
to tell you i’m broken
than through
this sad poem

what better way
to heal my soul
than to let you go

~ © John Acéx

Thank You (“I love you” be cliché)

everyday i’m afraid,
to tell you “i love you”
’cause i have the feeling
you won’t say it back;
i’ll definitely be crushed
by your honesty,
and it’s better i don’t know
whether you do or don’t
actually love me too

the three words are cliché,
so I tell you “Thank you”
instead,
i’m grateful for your patience
with my futile efforts,
and for your kindness
trying not to break my heart,
even when you knew
this wasn’t meant to be,

or maybe i’m just not your type
maybe i’m not good enough
maybe you heard shit about me
maybe you’re right;
but i’m still grateful
for every moment shared
for every memory created
it was damn worth it;

“Thank you”

~ © John Acéx