Obsession

guilt for hiding
all these feelings
i have from you

hate for everyone
that tries to show
some sort of
affection for you

jealousy for each
joyous moment
you have with
anyone else but me

disappointment
for your consistent
lack of noticing me

deep pain for every
effort you make to
be with another that
doesn’t care as i do

~ @ John Acéx

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Sequel to the Bartender

i numb this pain of our separation with yet another glass of rum and cloud this reality with dark grey smokes like some voodoo artist, hoping to forget all about you in my high state of wild moon child adventure

the midnight sneaks to the bar at the edge of town, my home, my safe space, become my favorite hobby; the bartender, my savior, i run to you with tales of my betrayal and lessons against deep love

today it hurts more than ever, tonight i am low on cash; but the eager bartender with open ears, a good listener of my sob stories of anguish, offers me free whiskey to ignite yet another tearing night

some little bar etiquette guilts me of this gesture of drowning my sorrows and numbing my pain without paying a cent; so my depressed self trades the bartender my pretty pricey phone, forcefully

maybe later on tomorrow, when his shift’s done, he’ll open the divine thread between my ex love and i, and be lost in our texts, conversations long and beautiful, full of out of this world expressions of love and neatly tied with cheesy emojis of shy monkeys and love hearts

maybe in our most recent chats he’ll feel this pain beating in my dying heart, maybe he’ll notice how and when we began to drift away from each other, with delayed replies that just began a fortnight ago, feels like forever, maybe he’ll read my last text to you, a question of why you wanted to leave, a question of if you really loved me, all still left on read

what that means to choke you up, when you give yourself to someone in surrender and blind obsession, what that means to hate someone for disloyalty but still feel love for them, what that means to fight for air in your small space of torture; for she buried me alive and my soul is lost, wandered to the dark forest of heartbreak singing dirges she composed lying on my chest every other night

mr. bartender now understands my pain, he questions less about us because he has treaded on the spine that anchored our love and can vividly confess that it has been broken enough not to heal or try to find another tale of love

so i become his best yet scriptures of the bar table, a favorite customer deserving to be framed on his wall, one who needs not to pay for i’ll keep trading every last hurting memory of you for another shot of tequila

maybe i’ll eventually numb this heart enough to unfold you from my brain, maybe it will be tonight as i share this last drink with mr. bartender, one last drink to help me sleep dumb not to dream about you, one last drink until tomorrow

~ @ John Acéx

Lord, do I deserve this Pain?

Pain
I haven’t witnsesed or experienced
much or enough of it in my life
but I have certainly had a fair share of my own
The torture, torment and desperation
you go through battling with this pain
The emotional breakdown, every tear, every cry

It’s crazy that it all comes with lessons
and some times enlightenment
that helps us as we soldier on with life
I know my pain does that
and it will continue to do so


Pain
Reminds you that you’re human
That even as the superior creation
in this tormenting world as it could be,
You remain vulnerable to being hurt
broken hearted, and indeed feeling pain
It makes you aware that you ain’t special,
not any greater than anyone else
That no form of advantages and benefits
that you may have tagged on you
could shield you from pain;

My therapist told me once that
I have a hard time dealing with my pain
because I always think it’s all about me,
That I’m unconscious of others
who also have their own struggles
causing them pain they need to deal with;
That hit me hard as I stumbled on my pride


Pain
Shows you the importance and value of life,
of being happy most of the time
faithfully counting your blessings
and appreciating the love of family and friends
It reminds you of all the moments
you took these aspects of life for granted
The things that actually do matter

Though it also helps you see the snakes
slithering in the grass in close pursuit,
Clears your vision to the back stabbers
and clarifies your hearing to the back bitters,
Helps you realize the fake circles you built
the fake allies and unloyal relatives
Those that caused you more pain
and left you to burn in hell, alone;
Makes distinct of those you need to cut off
In order to be a better you


Pain
Causes you to embrace loneliness
Solitude, intending to be alone
in an effort to shake off the constant despair
And in doing so you try to find healing
Mapping your way to salvation

However eventually it becomes hard
Dealing with the pain all alone
So you numb it all in by meditation
You crack a smile to the demanding world
and pretend you are okay
though you know you are dying inside
You just don’t want them to worry about you
but deep down that’s what you really want,
for them to care or even pretend to do


Pain
Most of all, enables you to recognize
a higher power, deity in control
The almighty one who’s seen all kinds of pain
Throughout the human history;
I was told that the pain is his way
of testing me, testing my faith
Pushing me to limit, keeping me on edge
Watching, waiting patiently
to see if you will snap out
If the pain will crack you making you deny him
I was also told he’s tryn’a teach me a lesson
or a couple more through this pain

But being my “human is to err self”
I eventually break, I flip out
I question him, an abormination
Making me a definite outcast
hoping for redemption and his mercy
Lord, are you gonna let me fall in distress?
Lord, are you even seeing me hurting?
Lord, haven’t I been faithful?
Lord, do I deserve this pain?

~ © John Acéx

Distance

Nothing as crazy as my desperation as I struggle with our separation
Apologies for the confusion, nah, it ain’t no infatuation
It’s just I lost my way in all this depression with blurred vision
For you ain’t here no more to compass my direction
Now I’m in a beat down situation with no inspiration
Dropping all my squads participation cause I lorn only for you
Our crazy come through and chill and nights
Nothing can heal me of this sadness
Not even my daily meditation with a struggle for elevation
Out here in the ocean mapping out my way back to you
Rolled into mission, haven’t figured it out yet, so please holla your location

It’s never a goodbye, I do hope I’ll get to see you by
Staying up high tryn’a dig the reason why
Left me on read with my apologies, but nigga don’t cry
I never end these nights alive so I guess maybe I wasn’t so fly
Sucking it up knowing I didn’t try had enough
Took you for granted thinking it was all a bluff
Burning with remorse of the chances I wasted with you
Lost my mood feeling kinda odd
And my signal to you is running outta tune
I stare at the moon and pray to God that i get to see you soon
Never felt the type of joy you gave, got me feeling kinda way
Elevated cause we vibed in a million addictive ways
You my drug, I was a fien
Now my ecstasy is gone and I got no way to explain
Feeling down drowned in this pain
I miss our glory days when we were the talk on the streets
Getting caught up in all the webs you’d spin
But now all my effort to reach you is in vain
Guess I buy the wrong tickets or I’ve always just been late missing the train
Now my homies tryn’a convince you ain’t worth the strain
But fuck that, fuck them, they don’t know you as I do
Nor all the ups and downs we’ve been through
I don’t know when Im’a see you again
Feeling like I just been slain blowin in anguish I need outlet to drain
Need to wash away all this torture and so I hope it will rain

~ © John Acéx

Alone

Cage me inside a box
empty and in darkness
and let me be alone

Pain, depression, anxiety
A hard blow to my jaw
Fire consuming me alive
I feel like I’m dying
Drowning into deep waters
Tied rocks to my feet
but fighting to get afloat
throwing kicks and punches
struggling to remain alive
but all in vain, I’m dead

I am running out of time
I am running out of air
I need to stay alive
For the ones who care
but I’m strangling myself
Tryn’a kill myself, hard
Rope round my neck, firm
Legs hanging in midair
Two things are in my head
I’m either flying to heaven
Or waiting to fall to hell
I am running to death, fast

I don’t see the point of living
Of seeing my tomorrow
Because I’m sure of its pains
I am out of hope
I am tired of this hurt
That’s tearing my soul apart
I am tired of the pretence
Acting like all is well
But deep down I’m breaking
I am tired of my crooked smile
Tired of crying myself to sleep
I am tired of this torture
I want it all to stop
I want the pain to stop
I want the struggles to stop
I want this life… I want
I want everything to stop

Cage me inside a box
Empty and in darkness
Where nothing else matters
Where no one else exists
With no one to judge me
With no fake empathy
With no one to mind or help
With nothing to stress
Cage me inside a box
and let me be alone
So I may numb my pain

~ © John Acéx