Lord, do I deserve this Pain?

Pain
I haven’t witnsesed or experienced
much or enough of it in my life
but I have certainly had a fair share of my own
The torture, torment and desperation
you go through battling with this pain
The emotional breakdown, every tear, every cry

It’s crazy that it all comes with lessons
and some times enlightenment
that helps us as we soldier on with life
I know my pain does that
and it will continue to do so


Pain
Reminds you that you’re human
That even as the superior creation
in this tormenting world as it could be,
You remain vulnerable to being hurt
broken hearted, and indeed feeling pain
It makes you aware that you ain’t special,
not any greater than anyone else
That no form of advantages and benefits
that you may have tagged on you
could shield you from pain;

My therapist told me once that
I have a hard time dealing with my pain
because I always think it’s all about me,
That I’m unconscious of others
who also have their own struggles
causing them pain they need to deal with;
That hit me hard as I stumbled on my pride


Pain
Shows you the importance and value of life,
of being happy most of the time
faithfully counting your blessings
and appreciating the love of family and friends
It reminds you of all the moments
you took these aspects of life for granted
The things that actually do matter

Though it also helps you see the snakes
slithering in the grass in close pursuit,
Clears your vision to the back stabbers
and clarifies your hearing to the back bitters,
Helps you realize the fake circles you built
the fake allies and unloyal relatives
Those that caused you more pain
and left you to burn in hell, alone;
Makes distinct of those you need to cut off
In order to be a better you


Pain
Causes you to embrace loneliness
Solitude, intending to be alone
in an effort to shake off the constant despair
And in doing so you try to find healing
Mapping your way to salvation

However eventually it becomes hard
Dealing with the pain all alone
So you numb it all in by meditation
You crack a smile to the demanding world
and pretend you are okay
though you know you are dying inside
You just don’t want them to worry about you
but deep down that’s what you really want,
for them to care or even pretend to do


Pain
Most of all, enables you to recognize
a higher power, deity in control
The almighty one who’s seen all kinds of pain
Throughout the human history;
I was told that the pain is his way
of testing me, testing my faith
Pushing me to limit, keeping me on edge
Watching, waiting patiently
to see if you will snap out
If the pain will crack you making you deny him
I was also told he’s tryn’a teach me a lesson
or a couple more through this pain

But being my “human is to err self”
I eventually break, I flip out
I question him, an abormination
Making me a definite outcast
hoping for redemption and his mercy
Lord, are you gonna let me fall in distress?
Lord, are you even seeing me hurting?
Lord, haven’t I been faithful?
Lord, do I deserve this pain?

~ © John Acéx

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2 thoughts on “Lord, do I deserve this Pain?

  1. Sometimes you want so to talk to someone so bad about your genuine wins and shortcomings in life but you’re afraid of how they’ll react or who they will pass it on to.

    Liked by 1 person

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